It get's worse before it get's better....much worse
As I have been writing this month it has caused quite a few emotions.......As a person in recovery I have done a lot of work to heal from many of the things from my past. I am good with all of it. I've moved on. Yet, when writing about it those feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse crop up. This solidifies my resolve to live the life I have today. I know many people in recovery who have similar walks in life. Going from complete despair to lives of promise and hope. It is good.
Now, to continue the story. Yesterday we left off where I was living at my sisters at the end of the craziness of being a cheater and then being on the receiving end of being cheated on. I was still drinking pretty heavy, smoking pot daily, and crank on the weekends. I should add, simply because it is part of my story, that I smoked cigarettes this entire time. Just like alcohol and pot, I started smoking regularly at the age of 13-14. Cig's were always there.
It was during this time period, 92-93 ish, that I shifted my life to a somewhat better sense of functioning. I moved from my sisters and was renting a room from friends. The pot smoking and drinking was still there, but, like many people who have alcoholism, I was what you would term a fairly "functional alcoholic". No run ins with the law, not enough family stuff (I know, crazy right?) to warrant me making significant changes, and I always worked. So, why change? Just reduce a little and carry on. That's what I did.
I come from a family of blue collar workers. We always worked. Mom raised four of us working 2-3 jobs her entire working life. It was ingrained in us to work hard at whatever we did no matter what. So, that's what I was doing. I was also the guy that said "if I am working don't tell me I can't have a drink or smoke a bowl". I was the guy that said I would NEVER stop smoking pot.
I moved from my sisters and rented a room from friends. Working full time, seeing Tyler as much as I can and living life. I met a new girl, Stephanie, during this time. She was just what I needed to see there was hope for me in a relationship. We hit it off from day one and it wasn't long before we got a place and started on our journey together. She and I started a life together that early on was full of promise and hope. She, from a family of money, me a kid from "across the tracks". It was a love that was meant to be! I still have great memories from this time that are etched in my memory forever. She showed me a lot of love and care when I needed it most.
The drinking was still there. The pot smoking was there. But, it was all manageable for the most part. I mean, I had a job, I had a girl, I had a car, I was paying child support and being a dad. What's the problem right?
In not to long a period of time we had moved into a nice apartment right by Tacoma Community College, both of us working and living life. For me, I have always wanted a good relationship. Pretty normal for most, but, for me, the idea of how this looked was a bit skewed. Because I had a pretty heavy drinking problem, smoked pot near daily, and had my lifetime of craziness from childhood to that point, it was near impossible. I still had this massive secret I was carrying with me from the time I was 14 till that point. Grappling with the effect it was having on me internally in all my relationships. Because of the massive amount of confusion attached to this secret I still wouldn't share a peep about it for a while. I carried it all myself.
I wish I could say that this was the time that I recognized that I could shift my life and live happy and free. Yet, it wasn't.
We are in 1993 ish by this point. I had a neighbor who I would drink and smoke pot with from time to time. He and I would chat across each other's balcony, bbq together, the normal neighbor to neighbor stuff. One day I stopped by his place and I noticed he was smoking from a different looking pipe. It was kind of like a pot pipe....but....different. I asked him what it was and he said it was "crack".
Whoa! By 1993 the crack epidemic was ravaging our nation, it was the drug of the time that was doing the most damage..... I was the guy that said with the most conviction that "I would NEVER smoke crack". Never never never. I had my pot and alcohol, I didn't need that crap. I am not THAT person. Whatever image I had of THAT person was now right in front of me. A person that I called my friend to some extent was standing within feet of me smoking crack cocaine and I had a choice to make.........
I tried it. In some weird way I must have said I would be alright. I must have, in some way, said I could smoke a little crack and be just fine. I was so wrong. So wrong. More tomorrow.
Now, to continue the story. Yesterday we left off where I was living at my sisters at the end of the craziness of being a cheater and then being on the receiving end of being cheated on. I was still drinking pretty heavy, smoking pot daily, and crank on the weekends. I should add, simply because it is part of my story, that I smoked cigarettes this entire time. Just like alcohol and pot, I started smoking regularly at the age of 13-14. Cig's were always there.
It was during this time period, 92-93 ish, that I shifted my life to a somewhat better sense of functioning. I moved from my sisters and was renting a room from friends. The pot smoking and drinking was still there, but, like many people who have alcoholism, I was what you would term a fairly "functional alcoholic". No run ins with the law, not enough family stuff (I know, crazy right?) to warrant me making significant changes, and I always worked. So, why change? Just reduce a little and carry on. That's what I did.
I come from a family of blue collar workers. We always worked. Mom raised four of us working 2-3 jobs her entire working life. It was ingrained in us to work hard at whatever we did no matter what. So, that's what I was doing. I was also the guy that said "if I am working don't tell me I can't have a drink or smoke a bowl". I was the guy that said I would NEVER stop smoking pot.
I moved from my sisters and rented a room from friends. Working full time, seeing Tyler as much as I can and living life. I met a new girl, Stephanie, during this time. She was just what I needed to see there was hope for me in a relationship. We hit it off from day one and it wasn't long before we got a place and started on our journey together. She and I started a life together that early on was full of promise and hope. She, from a family of money, me a kid from "across the tracks". It was a love that was meant to be! I still have great memories from this time that are etched in my memory forever. She showed me a lot of love and care when I needed it most.
The drinking was still there. The pot smoking was there. But, it was all manageable for the most part. I mean, I had a job, I had a girl, I had a car, I was paying child support and being a dad. What's the problem right?
In not to long a period of time we had moved into a nice apartment right by Tacoma Community College, both of us working and living life. For me, I have always wanted a good relationship. Pretty normal for most, but, for me, the idea of how this looked was a bit skewed. Because I had a pretty heavy drinking problem, smoked pot near daily, and had my lifetime of craziness from childhood to that point, it was near impossible. I still had this massive secret I was carrying with me from the time I was 14 till that point. Grappling with the effect it was having on me internally in all my relationships. Because of the massive amount of confusion attached to this secret I still wouldn't share a peep about it for a while. I carried it all myself.
I wish I could say that this was the time that I recognized that I could shift my life and live happy and free. Yet, it wasn't.
We are in 1993 ish by this point. I had a neighbor who I would drink and smoke pot with from time to time. He and I would chat across each other's balcony, bbq together, the normal neighbor to neighbor stuff. One day I stopped by his place and I noticed he was smoking from a different looking pipe. It was kind of like a pot pipe....but....different. I asked him what it was and he said it was "crack".
Whoa! By 1993 the crack epidemic was ravaging our nation, it was the drug of the time that was doing the most damage..... I was the guy that said with the most conviction that "I would NEVER smoke crack". Never never never. I had my pot and alcohol, I didn't need that crap. I am not THAT person. Whatever image I had of THAT person was now right in front of me. A person that I called my friend to some extent was standing within feet of me smoking crack cocaine and I had a choice to make.........
I tried it. In some weird way I must have said I would be alright. I must have, in some way, said I could smoke a little crack and be just fine. I was so wrong. So wrong. More tomorrow.
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