I have hope again but...it is scary with all I have done

Yesterday I was taken back to the beginning of my journey.  The time in late '95 early '96.    The time where I was beaten up and bruised from my course of life to that point.   The time where I held a glimmer of hope, yet, the recent past was visible well.   Speaking to the men at the treatment center yesterday brought me back to my own beginning of my walk in recovery.   To look in their eyes and see the pain...to see the damage.....and, to see the hope.   This was good.   Afterward I was able to speak to many of them one on one.    It was fitting that I went there this month.  Very fitting indeed.  

Yesterday we left off where I was in the waiting cycle.  The waiting to get back into treatment.   This time period was marked with many different actions.  Actions in my emotional and physical world.   During this time I knew I needed to move from where I had been living.  Well, should I say mostly crashing.   I needed to change who I was spending my time with.   I needed to work on getting busy taking actions to repair my life.

By this time period I had amassed a driving record a mile long.   Multiple instances of "driving while license suspended (DWLS)" charges.  With those were the same amount of "no insurance" charges.  On top of those were infractions for whatever I was doing that I was pulled over for in the first place.  Mostly, speeding.   All of this amount to thousands of dollars in fines that had to be paid.   Prior to this period, I think a few months prior, I gave my car away.   I had zero self control over getting behind the wheel knowing my license was suspended.    I hadn't been paying child support and Cyndi needed a car so I gave it to her.   From that point forward I became a regular user of Pierce Transit.   While I didn't like it much, it did stop me from driving, which, stopped the driving record from growing.

Also, during this time, and new to me, was being on probation.   I had a weekly check in where I had to see someone face to face.   I had to pay a monthly fee to be on probation, and had to pay for the piss test to make sure I wasn't continuing use.  My probation officer is someone I remember well to this day.  Marco was a great person to have in my life.   He cared.   He really cared.   He is someone who was a huge support to me during this time.   He took a vested interest in helping turn my life around.   I will never forget, between the time I was convicted, and the time I stopped using meth and crack, he was getting frustrated with me.....he asked me what he would have to do for me to change?  Lock me up?  He knew that locking me up wasn't going to really help, but, I was forcing his hand if I kept using......It wasn't just that he said that, in that one moment, that helped me to change.  It was more that he cared all along the way.   I appreciated his support during this time.  I was able to go back to him from time to time after I completed probation and show him that I had changed my life for the good.  

I found work off and on during this period.   With now,  being a convicted felon, this was a whole new ball game........the box.   Most all job applications have a box you have to check that asked if you are a convicted felon.   Thus, my job prospects were less.    Yet, I did what I had to do.   During this time, a woman I was seeing off and on had a brother in the construction business.   I was able to work as a laborer/framer for a bit.   There is a massive church in Olympia that I helped build.  I must have done alright because it is still standing.  It was a job that I kept me busy and helped me stay away from alone time with myself.    The last thing I needed during this time was time alone.   I was in a massive depression.   Any down time I had I slept, or, wanted to sleep.   I have journals from this time that are very sad to read.   The only thing that kept me going was being busy.  

In the fall of 95 I moved to my sisters house.   Cheri and Vern knew I was trying to change my life so they allowed me in while I waited for my time to go back to treatment.  My sister has been a mainstay in my life from then until now.  Always going to bat for me, even at times when I am certain it was a major risk.  

So, here I am, living at my sisters, checking everyday on that bed date to go to treatment, checking in with probation, staying off the heavy stuff, seeing Tyler when I can......pretty much maintaining.   Then the arrest.

Remember when I told you detectives had come to my step dads to talk to me few months prior? Well, now they didn't just want to talk.  They had an arrest warrant.    I found myself sitting in that same jail I had been to prior.    Facing felony burglary charges.   I was devastated.   Sitting there again, facing these charges, knowing my past, I believed I was going to see some serious time.    I was scared.  

Comments

Popular Posts