Getting close to my first treatment for a substance use disorder
I want to take a minute to step out of the chaos and be in the present. This weekend my son and his wife, both in recovery, brought my grandson by the house. With them were friends who are also people in recovery. Tyler was able to bring his family to a home where no one is drinking or on drugs. A safe home full of love. My wife and I are both people in recovery. Both of us integral members of our community. Never give up hope on someone you love who has a substance use disorder. I could easily have been a statistic. Just a number on a chart of another one lost. But, I am not, I am here, alive and well. Recovery works, lives change.
Where were we? Oh yes, crack cocaine. I "tried it". The very first time I tried it I didn't think it did much for me. So you would think I wouldn't try it again right? No. I had to try it again, it didn't do anything for me the first time. Looking back on this I shake my head, just shake my head in disbelief. What the hell was I thinking!
It worked the second time, and the third time, and the one hundred times after that. Within two months of that first hit of crack I found myself sitting in my nearly empty two bedroom apartment wondering what the hell had happened. Stephanie and I were nearly broke up, I had sold most anything of value I owned. I pawned stuff, traded stuff for crack, sold stuff to my dealer, it didn't matter....crack was ruling my every move. Every move.
I was still hanging on by a thread at Loomis Armored. My main support during this time was my boss, Dan Rushing. This man tried everything in his power to help me. He KNEW something was going on, but, due to him being bound by laws as an employer, he wasn't able to come straight out and say it. He had me in his office multiple times trying his hardest to get me to say I needed help. But, I was wrapped up in a mess with crack. Massive internal shame at the hands of a drug I had said I WOULD NEVER use. In my mind I was in the worst shape of my life.
I had turned this great job into a massive liability. I was barely showing up to work. Dan would even come to my apartment to try to find out what the hell was going on. I had been one of the hardest working guys in the shop. I had been given the best routes due to my hard work ethic and ability to get the routes in the fastest. Yet, now, here I was showing up late, doing crappy work, and in the end, just not showing up at all. Dan had no other choice, he had to let me go.
Now, there were a couple of real crazy moments in this period where, had I made the wrong decision, I would have been in massive trouble, massive. Mind you, I was surrounded by massive, I mean massive amounts of cash on a daily basis. I worked out of the Pierce County hub for all things money related. I can't tell you how many millions upon millions of dollars in cash that passed through my hands regularly. You might already be thinking what I think you are.......here I am strung out on crack cocaine and working for an armored car company. Yeah, that wasn't good.
There was one day I distinctly remember sitting in the truck.........I was near the end of the crack mess. Broke....shoot, more than broke. I was in the hole bad. I was still using crack on a daily basis. This is a drug that takes you in it's grips and DOES NOT let go. It's ugly. So, I had the thought that I could take a couple rolls of quarters from a whole box of quarters. Boxes of coin were part of the job. Massive amounts of coin. These boxes broke open all the time. I had one sitting under my seat and I was thinking I could just take a couple rolls of quarters.....no one would know. I am grateful every day that I didn't. Knowing that this would be a federal crime and prison would follow I didn't. Whew!!!!
Now, Dan couldn't take anymore of my crap. I had not shown up for work once more. He called me into the office. He had to let me go. I could see the despair in his eyes. I was filled with despair in my own. He gave one last try at getting me to open up. I couldn't do it. After being there for almost three years. A job I loved and excelled at was gone.
Now, hang on, it gets scary.......he said to bring in all my stuff. We had company issued uniforms and firearms. Yeah, firearms. Well.......I had a little problem. I had given mine to my dealer to hold until payday. You know, the payday that I wouldn't have much money left after paying the rent that I was two months behind on....or, the utility bill that I better pay or they were going to shut me off.....yeah, I was going to pay what I owed to my dealer on "payday" so I could get my company issue firearm back. I had been able to keep this craziness going by using one of the spares in the safe at work. It was normal that sometimes someone would leave their firearm at home and borrow one......I had been doing that for probably a couple weeks now.
So NOW I was screwed. I HAD to get that gun back and fast. Dan kept calling me at the house and leaving messages.......begging me to bring that gun back. I don't remember how I managed to get it back, but I did. In the knick of time too. I remember his last message was him having to call the police if I didn't get it back within a day. Again.....I am shaking my head reading this....pure craziness.
I wish I could say that was what it took for me to stop. Unfortunately it would take a couple more months. Dan, being the amazing person he was, never wanted to fire me. He wanted me to open up and say I needed help. I wouldn't do that, and he wanted to help, so he said I could say I was laid off and draw unemployment benefits. That kept me going with the madness a while longer.
My support during this time was Dan Rushing. He was my boss and he truly cared. He was the one who would talk to me about my stupid decision making in regard to cheating on my wife and losing my marriage. He was the one who was always telling me I could be a great person. He was the one who rooting me on at work. He was also the one person during this time who KNEW what was going on and was trying everything he could to get me to open up. I am grateful to this day for his help during this time. He was a catalyst for change for me. Maybe not in that moment, but it did help me later.
#recoveryworksliveschange
Where were we? Oh yes, crack cocaine. I "tried it". The very first time I tried it I didn't think it did much for me. So you would think I wouldn't try it again right? No. I had to try it again, it didn't do anything for me the first time. Looking back on this I shake my head, just shake my head in disbelief. What the hell was I thinking!
It worked the second time, and the third time, and the one hundred times after that. Within two months of that first hit of crack I found myself sitting in my nearly empty two bedroom apartment wondering what the hell had happened. Stephanie and I were nearly broke up, I had sold most anything of value I owned. I pawned stuff, traded stuff for crack, sold stuff to my dealer, it didn't matter....crack was ruling my every move. Every move.
I was still hanging on by a thread at Loomis Armored. My main support during this time was my boss, Dan Rushing. This man tried everything in his power to help me. He KNEW something was going on, but, due to him being bound by laws as an employer, he wasn't able to come straight out and say it. He had me in his office multiple times trying his hardest to get me to say I needed help. But, I was wrapped up in a mess with crack. Massive internal shame at the hands of a drug I had said I WOULD NEVER use. In my mind I was in the worst shape of my life.
I had turned this great job into a massive liability. I was barely showing up to work. Dan would even come to my apartment to try to find out what the hell was going on. I had been one of the hardest working guys in the shop. I had been given the best routes due to my hard work ethic and ability to get the routes in the fastest. Yet, now, here I was showing up late, doing crappy work, and in the end, just not showing up at all. Dan had no other choice, he had to let me go.
Now, there were a couple of real crazy moments in this period where, had I made the wrong decision, I would have been in massive trouble, massive. Mind you, I was surrounded by massive, I mean massive amounts of cash on a daily basis. I worked out of the Pierce County hub for all things money related. I can't tell you how many millions upon millions of dollars in cash that passed through my hands regularly. You might already be thinking what I think you are.......here I am strung out on crack cocaine and working for an armored car company. Yeah, that wasn't good.
There was one day I distinctly remember sitting in the truck.........I was near the end of the crack mess. Broke....shoot, more than broke. I was in the hole bad. I was still using crack on a daily basis. This is a drug that takes you in it's grips and DOES NOT let go. It's ugly. So, I had the thought that I could take a couple rolls of quarters from a whole box of quarters. Boxes of coin were part of the job. Massive amounts of coin. These boxes broke open all the time. I had one sitting under my seat and I was thinking I could just take a couple rolls of quarters.....no one would know. I am grateful every day that I didn't. Knowing that this would be a federal crime and prison would follow I didn't. Whew!!!!
Now, Dan couldn't take anymore of my crap. I had not shown up for work once more. He called me into the office. He had to let me go. I could see the despair in his eyes. I was filled with despair in my own. He gave one last try at getting me to open up. I couldn't do it. After being there for almost three years. A job I loved and excelled at was gone.
Now, hang on, it gets scary.......he said to bring in all my stuff. We had company issued uniforms and firearms. Yeah, firearms. Well.......I had a little problem. I had given mine to my dealer to hold until payday. You know, the payday that I wouldn't have much money left after paying the rent that I was two months behind on....or, the utility bill that I better pay or they were going to shut me off.....yeah, I was going to pay what I owed to my dealer on "payday" so I could get my company issue firearm back. I had been able to keep this craziness going by using one of the spares in the safe at work. It was normal that sometimes someone would leave their firearm at home and borrow one......I had been doing that for probably a couple weeks now.
So NOW I was screwed. I HAD to get that gun back and fast. Dan kept calling me at the house and leaving messages.......begging me to bring that gun back. I don't remember how I managed to get it back, but I did. In the knick of time too. I remember his last message was him having to call the police if I didn't get it back within a day. Again.....I am shaking my head reading this....pure craziness.
I wish I could say that was what it took for me to stop. Unfortunately it would take a couple more months. Dan, being the amazing person he was, never wanted to fire me. He wanted me to open up and say I needed help. I wouldn't do that, and he wanted to help, so he said I could say I was laid off and draw unemployment benefits. That kept me going with the madness a while longer.
My support during this time was Dan Rushing. He was my boss and he truly cared. He was the one who would talk to me about my stupid decision making in regard to cheating on my wife and losing my marriage. He was the one who was always telling me I could be a great person. He was the one who rooting me on at work. He was also the one person during this time who KNEW what was going on and was trying everything he could to get me to open up. I am grateful to this day for his help during this time. He was a catalyst for change for me. Maybe not in that moment, but it did help me later.
#recoveryworksliveschange
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