2/21/1996
Yesterday we were sent a copy of our final report from our foster care licensor. It is a complete review of our lives. Over twenty pages that will allow us to become licensed foster care parents. Reading this is fascinating. Our licensor did an excellent job painting the picture of where we both have been, and, where we both our now. Seeing in writing, the past to the present, from an outside third parties view, is very fulfilling. We are excited to be able to give back to be able to help other families.
I am back! On February 28th, 1996 I have this journal entry:
"Well, I am back at Olalla. Things went well today. Just a day of readjusting to the treatment atmosphere. Hopefully tomorrow I'll meet my counselor"
This journal entry was short and to the point. This seems fitting for the time. When I went to Olalla the second time I had a very different mindset then the first. This time I had furthered my addiction to places I never wanted to return to again. This time I was now carrying the moniker "convicted felon", and, facing more time in front of a judge. This time my emotional and physical state were telling me I could not continue on the way I was.
I still have a notebook I used the entire way through treatment. A friend had given me the notepad and a letter that encouraged me to use this as an opportunity to really make lasting change. I took it to heart and mind. Every class I attended I took notes in this journal. Looking through these notes I can see why Olalla has the reputation they carry as being an excellent place to get treatment for substance use disorders.
I have notes from classes on relationships, values, honesty/loyalty, social rules, how to cope with feelings, relapse prevention, post-acute withdrawal symptom management, self-support programs, nutrition, stress management, aftercare, and, the list goes on. I was paying attention.
I remember the key areas that I was really able to hear clearly were lessons on nutrition, exercise, and relationships with family, friends, and intimate partners. Everyday we would be given time to exercise on a track that Olalla has surrounding the property. Being in the middle of the wooded area with a view of the water was a great place to rejuvenate my body through movement. For myself, this was also where I put down cigarettes for good. Hearing ways to combat cravings to cigarettes was very helpful. I see cigarettes as just another drug. Sure, you don't end up in jail or have immediate health effects, yet, they are really just another drug. I was able to stop them during this time at Olalla. Nutrition was something I was really fascinated about and I immediately started making adjustments to what I put in my body.
During this time at Olalla I made friends with great people who I still know to this day. Maria and I arrived on the same day. I will never forget us sitting in the room waiting to be processed into treatment. Maria and I had very similar paths to treatment so being able to connect on that first day was helpful. We were both scared and hopeful at the same time. Bill is another person whom I am friends with to this day. I think Bill and I were in the same group. Being in the same group with someone in treatment is very powerful. It is in your small group that you do the real work of peeling the onion of your life to that point. Getting raw with people who are on similar paths in a safe and guided setting can be very helpful.
This treatment episode would prove to be very helpful in getting me on a path to long term recovery. I believe strongly that ANY treatment episode is a success. That first treatment episode I had for a short period in the military in 1986 was a success. The treatment episode in 1994 at Olalla was a success. Having family members tell me I needed help, even if I didn't do it, helped plant the seed. Even though many of these didn't get me to stop, or only helped me to stop for certain periods of time, they were all a success in their own way.
I would successfully complete treatment at the end of the standard 21 day period. Cleaned up, refreshed on skills I could use to reboot my recovery, and sent out the door. This is pretty standard for a lot of inpatient treatment episodes. 21-28 days, sometimes (rarely) more if warranted. A lot of times, more is for sure warranted, yet, many insurance companies won't cover it. The state, in my case, was only going to pay for 21-28 days max. This is just the reality. Our society, as a rule, is really good at giving what is termed "acute, short term inpatient treatment". In many cases longer stays would be much more helpful, but, this is the reality. Anytime I hear about possible cuts to substance abuse and mental health treatment I always wonder "how can they cut more than what is already being done?"
Thus, I am out. I go back to my sisters where I have everything I own in my closet. Everything that I had prior to treatment is still there. I was fortunate to have this environment to go back to. A safe and healthy environment to start my life as a person in recovery. Many do not have this. Many people go back to environment filled with drugs, alcohol, and other factors that do not support a person fresh out of treatment with a desire to be in recovery.
Now, for me, a person who had at minimum, a healthy place to rest my head.........I was freaking out. I was scared. I had just been through an experience where I really exposed my inner demons. I bared my soul. Now, I was away from that safe environment. It was just plain scary for me. What did I do? Did I run? Did I hide? Did I look to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain?
I am back! On February 28th, 1996 I have this journal entry:
"Well, I am back at Olalla. Things went well today. Just a day of readjusting to the treatment atmosphere. Hopefully tomorrow I'll meet my counselor"
This journal entry was short and to the point. This seems fitting for the time. When I went to Olalla the second time I had a very different mindset then the first. This time I had furthered my addiction to places I never wanted to return to again. This time I was now carrying the moniker "convicted felon", and, facing more time in front of a judge. This time my emotional and physical state were telling me I could not continue on the way I was.
I still have a notebook I used the entire way through treatment. A friend had given me the notepad and a letter that encouraged me to use this as an opportunity to really make lasting change. I took it to heart and mind. Every class I attended I took notes in this journal. Looking through these notes I can see why Olalla has the reputation they carry as being an excellent place to get treatment for substance use disorders.
I have notes from classes on relationships, values, honesty/loyalty, social rules, how to cope with feelings, relapse prevention, post-acute withdrawal symptom management, self-support programs, nutrition, stress management, aftercare, and, the list goes on. I was paying attention.
I remember the key areas that I was really able to hear clearly were lessons on nutrition, exercise, and relationships with family, friends, and intimate partners. Everyday we would be given time to exercise on a track that Olalla has surrounding the property. Being in the middle of the wooded area with a view of the water was a great place to rejuvenate my body through movement. For myself, this was also where I put down cigarettes for good. Hearing ways to combat cravings to cigarettes was very helpful. I see cigarettes as just another drug. Sure, you don't end up in jail or have immediate health effects, yet, they are really just another drug. I was able to stop them during this time at Olalla. Nutrition was something I was really fascinated about and I immediately started making adjustments to what I put in my body.
During this time at Olalla I made friends with great people who I still know to this day. Maria and I arrived on the same day. I will never forget us sitting in the room waiting to be processed into treatment. Maria and I had very similar paths to treatment so being able to connect on that first day was helpful. We were both scared and hopeful at the same time. Bill is another person whom I am friends with to this day. I think Bill and I were in the same group. Being in the same group with someone in treatment is very powerful. It is in your small group that you do the real work of peeling the onion of your life to that point. Getting raw with people who are on similar paths in a safe and guided setting can be very helpful.
This treatment episode would prove to be very helpful in getting me on a path to long term recovery. I believe strongly that ANY treatment episode is a success. That first treatment episode I had for a short period in the military in 1986 was a success. The treatment episode in 1994 at Olalla was a success. Having family members tell me I needed help, even if I didn't do it, helped plant the seed. Even though many of these didn't get me to stop, or only helped me to stop for certain periods of time, they were all a success in their own way.
I would successfully complete treatment at the end of the standard 21 day period. Cleaned up, refreshed on skills I could use to reboot my recovery, and sent out the door. This is pretty standard for a lot of inpatient treatment episodes. 21-28 days, sometimes (rarely) more if warranted. A lot of times, more is for sure warranted, yet, many insurance companies won't cover it. The state, in my case, was only going to pay for 21-28 days max. This is just the reality. Our society, as a rule, is really good at giving what is termed "acute, short term inpatient treatment". In many cases longer stays would be much more helpful, but, this is the reality. Anytime I hear about possible cuts to substance abuse and mental health treatment I always wonder "how can they cut more than what is already being done?"
Thus, I am out. I go back to my sisters where I have everything I own in my closet. Everything that I had prior to treatment is still there. I was fortunate to have this environment to go back to. A safe and healthy environment to start my life as a person in recovery. Many do not have this. Many people go back to environment filled with drugs, alcohol, and other factors that do not support a person fresh out of treatment with a desire to be in recovery.
Now, for me, a person who had at minimum, a healthy place to rest my head.........I was freaking out. I was scared. I had just been through an experience where I really exposed my inner demons. I bared my soul. Now, I was away from that safe environment. It was just plain scary for me. What did I do? Did I run? Did I hide? Did I look to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain?
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