Another year and the shift begins
We left of yesterday where I had returned to use and was using a drug that was more addictive than anything I had ever encountered before. Meth was nasty. It takes a human and turns them inside out. Their physical being, mental being, their soul.....all of it is taken from them in ways they never could have imagined. This was the case for me.
I went on what is termed a "run". From the journal entry I quoted yesterday dated 12/16/94, to my next journal entry, dated 8/14/95, there is nothing. No journal entry between the just shy of eight months to tell the tale of the chaos that ensued. By the next journal writing I had been convicted of my first crimes. Prior to meth, even with crack cocaine in most respects, I had some sense of dignity. Some sense of balancing right and wrong. With meth, not happening. All of my values, morals, and strong beliefs of right and wrong were thrown out the window.
That eight month period lead me down roads I wouldn't wish upon anyone. With meth I was staying up for days on end......literally....days and days. No sleep, drug induced psychosis, not eating, just going and going and going......nowhere. With meth, I let go of the reins in regard to the man who had sexually abused me earlier in my life. It also found my sitting in a jail cell during the eight month period of not caring about anything or anyone except the drug.
I would go to his house and stand in the pristine cul-de-sac he lived in and scream at the top of my lungs. I would ask him, while screaming, why. I would do my best to let the world know who he was and what he had done to me and many others. That behavior didn't land me in a jail cell. He never called the police on me for that. He would come out and try to talk to me....try to get me to come in. I just kept on yelling. It was madness.
What I did do, was make nice with him and stole credit cards from him. He ALWAYS made note of how well off he was in life. He always kept me at arm's length whenever I needed real help. He only brought me close when he wanted his needs met. Well, in my mind, during this time, it was payback time. I was arrested using the cards and taken to jail the first time during that eight month run. When I was arrested I had meth on me, and because this is a felony, I plead to the one charge of possession of meth, and they dropped the stolen card charges. This was one of the lowest points of my entire life. The lowest.
There was a lot of other behavior going on during this time. I became a thief. Plain and simple. Not with just him....but others as well. Mailbox shopping, prowling, burglaries. It was all there. I was running with a group of drug users who were just as strung out as I was and it was ugly. That is the only way to describe it.....ugly. I hadn't truly given up......meth had me in it's rath and wasn't letting go.
For today I am sharing with you, word for word, my journal entry dated 8/14/95:
"Wow! It's been 2 days short of 8 months since I wrote in this journal. To be honest I don't remember to much of those 8 months. I've been on drugs, been a drug dealer, lied, cheated, stole, and have broken my heart several times. I am now a convicted felon which i've still not accepted. I am far away from where I feel I should be. I feel a lot of guilt, have few true friends, have yet to find a relationship worth having. I have drifted far from my son and in the last 2 months brought that back to a level I am now comfortable with. I've gained back some respect for myself and others. I am now 28 years old and personally dissatisfied with my life. I've done things I said I would never again do. But, thanks to God, and my family I am regaining pieces of my life and am once again stepping in the direction I want to be in. I am still wanting to find, or meet, a quality woman to share my life with. I haven't found her yet and for the most part I am not worry to much about it. Me and my Dad are closer because of the event in the last months. Me and my son have become closer because of the last months. The best way I can describe the last 8 months can be summed up by saying drugs, drugs, and more drugs. The drug called crank, the drug called crack, the drug called marijuana. Crank was the major contributor to most of the chaos. I will regain control of my life and my dreams so I can feel content when I sleep. It seems like it's been a couple of years or more. I am glad to be back in control of my mind and my actions."
From that journal begins a significant turning point in my life. It is a months long process to where I return to treatment in February of the next year. There will be a couple of roadblocks over that time period, yet, it is the turning point. The point at which I am finally able to turn over a new leaf in my life and start on a path that has lead me to where I am today.
I hope you stay with me for the rest of the month. My journey has been one for the record books. Certainly, on the bad side, as you have been reading. But, more importantly, on the good side. I have been able to overcome what would seem to be insurmountable barriers in my life. I am just a an average kid from the streets of Tacoma. Nothing special about me. Yet, with massive support from multiple people and entities, and a lot of persistence and hard work, I will share with you how I am a grateful person to this day for the life I have. I am not a statistic. More tomorrow....
I went on what is termed a "run". From the journal entry I quoted yesterday dated 12/16/94, to my next journal entry, dated 8/14/95, there is nothing. No journal entry between the just shy of eight months to tell the tale of the chaos that ensued. By the next journal writing I had been convicted of my first crimes. Prior to meth, even with crack cocaine in most respects, I had some sense of dignity. Some sense of balancing right and wrong. With meth, not happening. All of my values, morals, and strong beliefs of right and wrong were thrown out the window.
That eight month period lead me down roads I wouldn't wish upon anyone. With meth I was staying up for days on end......literally....days and days. No sleep, drug induced psychosis, not eating, just going and going and going......nowhere. With meth, I let go of the reins in regard to the man who had sexually abused me earlier in my life. It also found my sitting in a jail cell during the eight month period of not caring about anything or anyone except the drug.
I would go to his house and stand in the pristine cul-de-sac he lived in and scream at the top of my lungs. I would ask him, while screaming, why. I would do my best to let the world know who he was and what he had done to me and many others. That behavior didn't land me in a jail cell. He never called the police on me for that. He would come out and try to talk to me....try to get me to come in. I just kept on yelling. It was madness.
What I did do, was make nice with him and stole credit cards from him. He ALWAYS made note of how well off he was in life. He always kept me at arm's length whenever I needed real help. He only brought me close when he wanted his needs met. Well, in my mind, during this time, it was payback time. I was arrested using the cards and taken to jail the first time during that eight month run. When I was arrested I had meth on me, and because this is a felony, I plead to the one charge of possession of meth, and they dropped the stolen card charges. This was one of the lowest points of my entire life. The lowest.
There was a lot of other behavior going on during this time. I became a thief. Plain and simple. Not with just him....but others as well. Mailbox shopping, prowling, burglaries. It was all there. I was running with a group of drug users who were just as strung out as I was and it was ugly. That is the only way to describe it.....ugly. I hadn't truly given up......meth had me in it's rath and wasn't letting go.
For today I am sharing with you, word for word, my journal entry dated 8/14/95:
"Wow! It's been 2 days short of 8 months since I wrote in this journal. To be honest I don't remember to much of those 8 months. I've been on drugs, been a drug dealer, lied, cheated, stole, and have broken my heart several times. I am now a convicted felon which i've still not accepted. I am far away from where I feel I should be. I feel a lot of guilt, have few true friends, have yet to find a relationship worth having. I have drifted far from my son and in the last 2 months brought that back to a level I am now comfortable with. I've gained back some respect for myself and others. I am now 28 years old and personally dissatisfied with my life. I've done things I said I would never again do. But, thanks to God, and my family I am regaining pieces of my life and am once again stepping in the direction I want to be in. I am still wanting to find, or meet, a quality woman to share my life with. I haven't found her yet and for the most part I am not worry to much about it. Me and my Dad are closer because of the event in the last months. Me and my son have become closer because of the last months. The best way I can describe the last 8 months can be summed up by saying drugs, drugs, and more drugs. The drug called crank, the drug called crack, the drug called marijuana. Crank was the major contributor to most of the chaos. I will regain control of my life and my dreams so I can feel content when I sleep. It seems like it's been a couple of years or more. I am glad to be back in control of my mind and my actions."
From that journal begins a significant turning point in my life. It is a months long process to where I return to treatment in February of the next year. There will be a couple of roadblocks over that time period, yet, it is the turning point. The point at which I am finally able to turn over a new leaf in my life and start on a path that has lead me to where I am today.
I hope you stay with me for the rest of the month. My journey has been one for the record books. Certainly, on the bad side, as you have been reading. But, more importantly, on the good side. I have been able to overcome what would seem to be insurmountable barriers in my life. I am just a an average kid from the streets of Tacoma. Nothing special about me. Yet, with massive support from multiple people and entities, and a lot of persistence and hard work, I will share with you how I am a grateful person to this day for the life I have. I am not a statistic. More tomorrow....
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