The early 90's....

It must have been in about '91 that I made one of the worst decisions I could in regard to my marriage and a close friendship.   We would have a friend from my work and his wife come over on weekends to play cards and drink.  This was all great and well until I started an affair with his wife.  It was ugly. We got caught and it was the last thing needed to end my marriage.   I moved out after that whole thing blew up in our faces.

My best thinking at the time was going to be for me and the other woman to be together.  Her husband had left her and we thought we were "meant to be together"....blah blah blah.    So, here we are, two cheaters living together, thinking this was the best thing ever.  It wasn't.   Internally I knew this wasn't going to go well.   Everyone around me was telling me it wasn't going to end well.  But, being where I was mentally with my past and current life situations, the level of drinking and drugging I was doing at the time, I wasn't hearing any of it.   (think Jerry Springer, you can't make this stuff up)

Her ex was someone I had called my "best friend" AND I worked with him at Loomis Armored.   In that regard, I got exactly what I deserved.  Chris told me exactly how he felt about me and my decisions one morning in front of everyone at the shop.   Complete humiliation.  I still feel remorse over this mess.    Chris was a good guy.   Chris later moved out of state and I have never heard from him again.   Can't say I don't blame him.    What a mess.

I believe in Karma, and in this scenario, I got exactly what was coming to me.........

So, here we are, me and the other woman, living together.   Cyndi is barely allowing me to see Tyler because she is still reeling from the mess above.  Not that I hadn't cheated on her before, that was nothing new for me, it was how this all played out.   I had told her prior to all this came down, when Tyler was born that "I was going to change"......shit, how many times did I say that!    But, I couldn't blame her at all.....the ugliness as a result of a boy in a man's body ravaged through not just his life, but all those that came in contact with him.   I now know that Chemical Dependency truly is a family disease.  It affects everyone in the family system.  Not just the alcoholic/addict.

The other woman, Laura, and I living together in cheaters bliss........I had a friend from my younger years who started hanging out with me and the woman I left Cyndi to be with.    This get's good........The three of us would hang out on weekends drinking and snorting crank.  This was old school crank, basically speed, but, really good speed.    Alas, I was able to stay up most of the weekend, drinking and snorting crank.  The three of us would play dice, drink, and snort.  Woohoo!  What a life right?!  \

I don't remember exactly where this part came in but it was a doozy for me to hear.  Cyndi, with a big smile on her face, told me she slept with Chris!   I was floored.   Now, Cyndi was the definition of faithful through all my bullshit, so, to hear this, I KNEW it was over for her.   She had enough of my bullshit and this was the finale.   That was karma payback number one.   It took a long while for this to sink in for me.  I just couldn't believe it at first.  That news required a drink and a drug, times a hundred.

Now, I would continue to go to work during the week and some Saturdays.   I remember that Laura worked somewhere during the week.  But, I remember starting to think something was going on with her and my friend that was hanging out with us.  My jealousy kicked in and that relationship that was "meant to be" became not so meant to be.    With the drinking and drug use my jealousy turned into paranoia and I became a scary person when I wasn't in my right mind.  Mind you, during this time I am working at Loomis, carrying a firearm, and having access to lot's and lot's of money.

She finally admitted that her and my friend were sleeping together.  I knew that was happening, how could it not be right?!   So, what next?   Well, the usual.   She was going to stop sleeping with him and we were going to figure it out....blah blah blah......nope, didn't happen.  It continued to be exactly what it was from the start.   A relationship built on distrust, drugs, and alcohol and all around craziness.  Pure craziness.  

I found myself living at my sisters after it all ended exactly as it expected.  Ugly.   Karma in action.

This is about 1992ish.   My support during this time was my sister Cheri and her husband Vern.   They allowed me into their home to give me the space to figure out my next steps.  I remember sitting at Cheri's dining room table feeling broken.   I had made horrible decisions that ended my marriage.  A marriage that was pretty messed up to begin with, but, still a marriage that I felt I had ruined.    If it weren't for Cheri and Vern allowing me into their home during this time I am not sure what I would have done.   I am 25yrs old, drinking like I am 40, smoking pot everyday, and doing crank on the weekends.  I had this internal battle going on for many reasons.    The drinking, the drugs, my life to that point, and....I am battling with a secret from my past and present that I am to ashamed to talk about with anyone.  I mean anyone.   It won't be until I am 29 that I will utter a word about it to a soul.