The Fall of 2006
Writing all month has been interesting. Some days I am excited to tell my story, and others, not so much. It is all part of my life, something I am ok with for the most part. But, writing about some of the things that happened along the way hasn't been easy. I have not made the best of decisions at many crossroads in my life. I have struggled with depression and anxiety all along the way. I have a bag of "stuff" that some might view as pretty negative, but, it is all a part of me. I was able to spend a couple hours with my son last night. Seeing him with his wife and friends is very good. He has turned his life around completely. This has been his journey, and I do own, that my being in recovery also, has probably helped him in some way. Yet, there are times where I feel a certain responsibility for what he has been through in his past.
The summer of 2006 turned into the fall.....the fall that would shift me and my life once again. I read all of my journals through that summer; there were a lot. Near daily writings about what I was experiencing in my life during this time. I can see it clearly again, and, even some of the feelings from that time start to creep back in. Anxiety was at an all time high. Every waking hour of every waking day, full of anxiety. Anxiety about the business and it's finances, anxiety about the marriage, anxiety about my dog Kodi, and anxiety about Tyler and his life. It is all there.
Also, during this entire time, I was seeing a counselor, at minimum, twice a week. Trying to walk through this period of my life. This is a time when I started learning true acceptance for all things happening in my world. It would take time for it all to really click, but, this is where it began. Ronnie was really good at listening and guiding. Although this summer of '06 was a time that I wasn't in a place to accept much of what was happening around me, in some ways I did start to see the value in what is termed "radical acceptance". The ability to see life for what it is in the moment, and be able to move forward. This would come into play for me the next spring.
I was also willing, during this time, to try different medications for the depression and anxiety. I had been on different anti-depressants and anxiety medications in the past, so this wasn't foreign territory for me. I was open to trying a multi pronged approach. I see in my journals that I had a massive side effect episode when I was trying different meds. I journaled how I was feeling and remember it well. I ended up voluntarily going to the mental health department of memorial hospital for a few days due to all of this and my current state of mind.
The Hippo was struggling significantly, having barely made it through the summer months in the 'burg. I had decided to set up a booth at the fair for labor day weekend with the hope that it would bring in much needed cash. This didn't happen. It was a complete bust and another massive loss that gave me the clear sign that the business wasn't going to last much longer. My only hope was it was nearing time for the college to come back.
I have it journaled, at the end of September, 2006, when I made the decision to have Kodi put down. I simply wrote, "Kodi is no longer in Pain". They had found an inoperable nerve tumor and Kodi could hardly walk anymore and he wasn't able to sleep even when I loaded him up on meds. I wept this day, laying with him while he left this world. One of the toughest days of my life at that time.
I have it journaled, the day I told Stephanie, from my side, I was done with our marriage. She was already done, but, I had made this decision for myself. This was another highly difficult day and in October of 2006.
All of these things happened back to back in a very short period of time. What happens in October, while not a good thing by any stretch of the word, and would cause me to make terrible decisions that would affect everyone around me, would lead back to recovery in a very short period of time, and lead me to where I am today.
In October of 2006, I drank. For the first time in over 10 years I drank. More tomorrow.
The summer of 2006 turned into the fall.....the fall that would shift me and my life once again. I read all of my journals through that summer; there were a lot. Near daily writings about what I was experiencing in my life during this time. I can see it clearly again, and, even some of the feelings from that time start to creep back in. Anxiety was at an all time high. Every waking hour of every waking day, full of anxiety. Anxiety about the business and it's finances, anxiety about the marriage, anxiety about my dog Kodi, and anxiety about Tyler and his life. It is all there.
Also, during this entire time, I was seeing a counselor, at minimum, twice a week. Trying to walk through this period of my life. This is a time when I started learning true acceptance for all things happening in my world. It would take time for it all to really click, but, this is where it began. Ronnie was really good at listening and guiding. Although this summer of '06 was a time that I wasn't in a place to accept much of what was happening around me, in some ways I did start to see the value in what is termed "radical acceptance". The ability to see life for what it is in the moment, and be able to move forward. This would come into play for me the next spring.
I was also willing, during this time, to try different medications for the depression and anxiety. I had been on different anti-depressants and anxiety medications in the past, so this wasn't foreign territory for me. I was open to trying a multi pronged approach. I see in my journals that I had a massive side effect episode when I was trying different meds. I journaled how I was feeling and remember it well. I ended up voluntarily going to the mental health department of memorial hospital for a few days due to all of this and my current state of mind.
The Hippo was struggling significantly, having barely made it through the summer months in the 'burg. I had decided to set up a booth at the fair for labor day weekend with the hope that it would bring in much needed cash. This didn't happen. It was a complete bust and another massive loss that gave me the clear sign that the business wasn't going to last much longer. My only hope was it was nearing time for the college to come back.
I have it journaled, at the end of September, 2006, when I made the decision to have Kodi put down. I simply wrote, "Kodi is no longer in Pain". They had found an inoperable nerve tumor and Kodi could hardly walk anymore and he wasn't able to sleep even when I loaded him up on meds. I wept this day, laying with him while he left this world. One of the toughest days of my life at that time.
I have it journaled, the day I told Stephanie, from my side, I was done with our marriage. She was already done, but, I had made this decision for myself. This was another highly difficult day and in October of 2006.
All of these things happened back to back in a very short period of time. What happens in October, while not a good thing by any stretch of the word, and would cause me to make terrible decisions that would affect everyone around me, would lead back to recovery in a very short period of time, and lead me to where I am today.
In October of 2006, I drank. For the first time in over 10 years I drank. More tomorrow.
Kodiak (Kodi)
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