The move back to Tacoma
I called my son after yesterday's writing. I was full of emotion over my life during the time I wrote about. While I have apologized and changed my life, I still hold remorse for not being the Father I intended during this time. Being a Father is the most important role in my life to this day. Now, being a grandfather, I have two very important roles. Having grown up without a father I never wanted that for my son. I vowed to always be there. Today's writing takes me away from him for a several month long period. It has been years ago, I know Tyler and I are good now, yet, it still saddens me. Some might ask "why do this, why write all of this?" I have too. I know the stigma attached to active addiction......but, even more problematic I also have known the stigma attached to being a person in recovery. If, by telling me whole story, I can help people to understand the process as a whole, than it is good. I have had countless people thank me for being willing to share my entire story. I listen to my inner voice and I listen to those who follow my life path. It is all good in the end.
At the end of my writing yesterday I was back to drinking and smoking pot. This would not prove to be a good decision. In addition to the return to use I was a mess in my head. Stephanie was done with me and this was not something I was ok with. I had very little in regard to a future as far as a career. I was living in a world where I was alone a lot, worked graveyard, and tried sleeping during the day. Drinking and smoking pot where my only release.....even though now, when I did either of these, it only made my negative emotional state worse. Dark days are what I remember most about my time in Federal Way. I was massively depressed.
I went through a several month period where I maintained my life as much as I possibly could. Working, spending my off time trying to patch things up with Stephanie, seeing Tyler, and doing my best to control my drinking and pot smoking. The one thing I have from this time, all the way through today are my journals. I started journaling in September of 1994 and went through to recall some of the "where/what" during the run up to going off the deep end.
I was trying, I can see that clearly. I wanted, desperately, to have a good life. I was not happy with where I was in my life to that point I see in my writing that I was trying to mend my mind with the break up from Stephanie. I think she was more done than I was. I was still trying to keep something together that just wasn't possible. I was spending time with my son. I was working. I am not sure the exact point, but I must have moved from Kenny's back to Tacoma somewhere in there. I can see where I started a new job. I remember it well. I got a job selling appliances at a little place on Center Street in Tacoma. I was living with my step dad right off of hilltop on 6th avenue. He, his brother, my Uncle Tom, and his mom, Grandma Turco, all lived in the same little apt building on Cushman. It is still there to this day. Grandma Turco would watch Tyler when I would have him on weekends and had to work. These were good memories. To this day Tyler remembers this well. One of my favorite pictures is of Tyler and Grandma Turco on her front steps. She was so good to him.
The place I was living in wasn't the best environment. My step dad, he was from a marriage to my mom many years prior. I should note, because this will come up later, that at this point, when I was living with him in 1994, I thought he was my real dad. I had been told for years that Gerry Emmerson was my real dad. I carried the Emmerson name for a long time. It wasn't until the military that I started carrying the Douglas name. I had to use Douglas because that is what was on my birth certificate. Thus, I was always a little bit curious about this whole scenario. So, right now, in 1994, I thought Gerry was my real dad.
He wasn't a consistent Dad to any of us kids by any means through the years. It would do his disappearing act for months at a time. Just poof, disappear, nobody would know where he would go. Weird shit. He did it to me in 1987-8 when I was working cooking jobs out of the military. He gets me a cooking job at a place in the north end of Tacoma. Man, I had forgot all about this!! Anyway, I am working there full time, thinking this is a great opportunity to get to know my dad right? Not so much. A few months in, my Grandma calls me and says I need to come in early. She says Gerry is a no show. Yeah, he became a no show for quite a while. Forever. He left me hanging to work double shifts for weeks on end. Then, when he reappears, says he needed a break and went to California. I am laughing at this one remembering it.
Alright, back to the story.......I am living with Gerry in his little studio apartment. Why, I am not completely sure. Needed a place to live? The Federal Way thing with Kenny didn't work out? I am not completely sure. Yet, here I was. Gerry had a set routine for the most part. He would lay in his bed nearly the whole day. I am not kidding. He would get up to eat and go to the bathroom and that was about it. On a couple days of the week he would go to bingo with Uncle Tom and Grandma Turco, and go to the store here and there, but, that was it. My bed was the couch. I remember that couch all to well. Pretty set routine for him. For me, I was working the job selling appliances and spending time with friends/family. All the while still suffering with depression and anxiety. It was always there lingering in my mind, weighing on my every move. I have this all journaled. The trying to see the light, the trying to maintain normalcy, the trying to be the best dad I can to my own son.
My support network during this time was Grandma Turco and Uncle Tom. Grandman Turco loved all of us kids. She was always there to help in anyway she could. She was there to watch Tyler for me while I worked on the weekends I had him. Selling appliances meant you worked weekends, period. I think Grandma enjoyed her time with Tyler. Uncle Tom was such a mainstay in all of our lives until the day he passed. During this time he was someone I could talk to about my problems. I didn't use him for this as much as I probably could have, but, I do remember him and I having talks here and there about life. He was a good man and left a strong legacy.
I had my friends I was spending time with. Julio and others whose names I just don't remember much. There was one friend I remember very well. He was a good friend for sure. I know what you are thinking..."some friend if you don't remember his name".....well to bad, I don't. There was a lot going on during these times and my life changed pretty rapidly. Anyway, Cyndi and I were friends during this time. I journaled a time where Cyndi, Julio, Carolyn, and Tyler and I all went to the fair. I think this might have been when Cyndi had left Rob and was repairing her own world in this regard. Carolyn and Marshall were there, long time friends of Cyndis and I. Carolyn was a mainstay in my world for many years. So, I had some support as far as friends and such. But, we all drank and smoked pot. We all were just living life the best we could. Working, living, learning the best we could.
I don't remember when. I can see it was somewhere in the between the months of October and December of 1994. I don't remember the exact day or time when I made the decision to snort crank. Let me note this.....I had done crank before. You might remember it from a few blogs (years) back. But, this crank that I snorted now, during this time, was different, very very different You know it as meth, or methamphetamines. This new crank was much stronger, longer lasting, and would turn my life completely upside down. I know what you are thinking....."how can that be possible, isn't it already upside down?" Yes, it was, yet, with meth, my world would completely change for some time and have long term effects on everything I do for a long time. Look up the meth craze of the mid-nineties in Pierce County. It was ugly beyond belief. Tomorrow I will tell the story of my near two year time in the grips of meth. A time that I gave up anything I would call a moral or value. A time that I am fortunate to be alive to tell the story about. A time that would change the entire course of my life. A time, with experiences, that I would wish upon no person.
At the end of my writing yesterday I was back to drinking and smoking pot. This would not prove to be a good decision. In addition to the return to use I was a mess in my head. Stephanie was done with me and this was not something I was ok with. I had very little in regard to a future as far as a career. I was living in a world where I was alone a lot, worked graveyard, and tried sleeping during the day. Drinking and smoking pot where my only release.....even though now, when I did either of these, it only made my negative emotional state worse. Dark days are what I remember most about my time in Federal Way. I was massively depressed.
I went through a several month period where I maintained my life as much as I possibly could. Working, spending my off time trying to patch things up with Stephanie, seeing Tyler, and doing my best to control my drinking and pot smoking. The one thing I have from this time, all the way through today are my journals. I started journaling in September of 1994 and went through to recall some of the "where/what" during the run up to going off the deep end.
I was trying, I can see that clearly. I wanted, desperately, to have a good life. I was not happy with where I was in my life to that point I see in my writing that I was trying to mend my mind with the break up from Stephanie. I think she was more done than I was. I was still trying to keep something together that just wasn't possible. I was spending time with my son. I was working. I am not sure the exact point, but I must have moved from Kenny's back to Tacoma somewhere in there. I can see where I started a new job. I remember it well. I got a job selling appliances at a little place on Center Street in Tacoma. I was living with my step dad right off of hilltop on 6th avenue. He, his brother, my Uncle Tom, and his mom, Grandma Turco, all lived in the same little apt building on Cushman. It is still there to this day. Grandma Turco would watch Tyler when I would have him on weekends and had to work. These were good memories. To this day Tyler remembers this well. One of my favorite pictures is of Tyler and Grandma Turco on her front steps. She was so good to him.
The place I was living in wasn't the best environment. My step dad, he was from a marriage to my mom many years prior. I should note, because this will come up later, that at this point, when I was living with him in 1994, I thought he was my real dad. I had been told for years that Gerry Emmerson was my real dad. I carried the Emmerson name for a long time. It wasn't until the military that I started carrying the Douglas name. I had to use Douglas because that is what was on my birth certificate. Thus, I was always a little bit curious about this whole scenario. So, right now, in 1994, I thought Gerry was my real dad.
He wasn't a consistent Dad to any of us kids by any means through the years. It would do his disappearing act for months at a time. Just poof, disappear, nobody would know where he would go. Weird shit. He did it to me in 1987-8 when I was working cooking jobs out of the military. He gets me a cooking job at a place in the north end of Tacoma. Man, I had forgot all about this!! Anyway, I am working there full time, thinking this is a great opportunity to get to know my dad right? Not so much. A few months in, my Grandma calls me and says I need to come in early. She says Gerry is a no show. Yeah, he became a no show for quite a while. Forever. He left me hanging to work double shifts for weeks on end. Then, when he reappears, says he needed a break and went to California. I am laughing at this one remembering it.
Alright, back to the story.......I am living with Gerry in his little studio apartment. Why, I am not completely sure. Needed a place to live? The Federal Way thing with Kenny didn't work out? I am not completely sure. Yet, here I was. Gerry had a set routine for the most part. He would lay in his bed nearly the whole day. I am not kidding. He would get up to eat and go to the bathroom and that was about it. On a couple days of the week he would go to bingo with Uncle Tom and Grandma Turco, and go to the store here and there, but, that was it. My bed was the couch. I remember that couch all to well. Pretty set routine for him. For me, I was working the job selling appliances and spending time with friends/family. All the while still suffering with depression and anxiety. It was always there lingering in my mind, weighing on my every move. I have this all journaled. The trying to see the light, the trying to maintain normalcy, the trying to be the best dad I can to my own son.
My support network during this time was Grandma Turco and Uncle Tom. Grandman Turco loved all of us kids. She was always there to help in anyway she could. She was there to watch Tyler for me while I worked on the weekends I had him. Selling appliances meant you worked weekends, period. I think Grandma enjoyed her time with Tyler. Uncle Tom was such a mainstay in all of our lives until the day he passed. During this time he was someone I could talk to about my problems. I didn't use him for this as much as I probably could have, but, I do remember him and I having talks here and there about life. He was a good man and left a strong legacy.
I had my friends I was spending time with. Julio and others whose names I just don't remember much. There was one friend I remember very well. He was a good friend for sure. I know what you are thinking..."some friend if you don't remember his name".....well to bad, I don't. There was a lot going on during these times and my life changed pretty rapidly. Anyway, Cyndi and I were friends during this time. I journaled a time where Cyndi, Julio, Carolyn, and Tyler and I all went to the fair. I think this might have been when Cyndi had left Rob and was repairing her own world in this regard. Carolyn and Marshall were there, long time friends of Cyndis and I. Carolyn was a mainstay in my world for many years. So, I had some support as far as friends and such. But, we all drank and smoked pot. We all were just living life the best we could. Working, living, learning the best we could.
I don't remember when. I can see it was somewhere in the between the months of October and December of 1994. I don't remember the exact day or time when I made the decision to snort crank. Let me note this.....I had done crank before. You might remember it from a few blogs (years) back. But, this crank that I snorted now, during this time, was different, very very different You know it as meth, or methamphetamines. This new crank was much stronger, longer lasting, and would turn my life completely upside down. I know what you are thinking....."how can that be possible, isn't it already upside down?" Yes, it was, yet, with meth, my world would completely change for some time and have long term effects on everything I do for a long time. Look up the meth craze of the mid-nineties in Pierce County. It was ugly beyond belief. Tomorrow I will tell the story of my near two year time in the grips of meth. A time that I gave up anything I would call a moral or value. A time that I am fortunate to be alive to tell the story about. A time that would change the entire course of my life. A time, with experiences, that I would wish upon no person.
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