Six months of craziness
Talking to children about drugs is vital. Certainly, these conversations need to be age appropriate, but, talking to them is the key. Don't just hope that a child will make the right choices, talk to them about what the right choices are going to be. Drugs are everywhere. They are in every junior high and high school, even at the most private school, they are there. In the smallest of towns, drugs are there. Prevention works, not talking about it doesn't. We are currently in an epidemic with prescription drug abuse, which, turns into heroin addiction. 20 years ago it was meth, 10 years before that it was crack, the cycle of "which" drug changes, but, drugs are always going to be there. Prevention and education are the key. They really are. Educate yourself about prevention, treatment, and recovery. Be prepared to have conversations with your children. It is vital.
The summer of 2006 turned into fall. I was in a complete mental crisis. I had been going to counseling, trying different medications for depression and anxiety, talking to friends, but, it was persisting. I have it all journaled. I can see small snippets of hope, but, mostly, it was a lot of pain. In my view, at that time, my world was crashing all around me. I could see the writing on the wall for the business, I had just put Kodi down, and my marriage was over. I wanted relief.
I drank. I remember the day, or should I say night, well. I was with a friend and he was going out to a bonfire party in the woods and invited me. On that one day, I said sure. That day would prove to turn into nearly six months of a return to use of drugs and alcohol. I have it journaled after drinking that first night, and the several after that. Then, the journaling goes blank. My last journal entry, dated October 23rd, 2006:
"I am choosing in my life today to do things in moderation and see how it goes. Partying a lot right now but see that dying down. Work is well, started on a new project"
My next journal entry comes after the crash and won't be until March of 2007.
I have no idea what the "new project" was, but, what I do know is my "moderation" turned into craziness. I had my friend Sarah who had returned to drinking several months prior and I had kept in a contact with her, but, not much. When I drank, I reached out to her. When I did that it kicked off a months long party of sorts. Everything else during this time took a backseat to our run of drinking and drugging day in and day out. A 24 hour a day cycle that took us to Yakima frequently to get drugs. This express lane to Yakima was in place just long enough for us to find the local drug dealer in Ellensburg. That took less than two weeks.
I can tell you that initially, the relief was just what I had been seeking. I am not going to say it was an immediate sadness that I had returned to use after 10yrs in recovery, because, it wasn't. Drinking and drugging took away the sadness and pain for a bit. Just a bit, but, just long enough for me to function. The first month or so I was able to get back into action at work. The depression subsided and the anxiety lessened. It was a massive relief.
I continued to go see my counselor for that first month or so that I started drinking and drugging again. Ronnie was willing to continue to listen and help me through my life. I was not shunned or turned away by her in any way. This would turn out to be a great help when I was ready to stop the use in Feb/Mar of the next year. I had friends who were trying to help me to see the trainwreck I was headed toward and I, to this day, appreciate their efforts, it did work in the end. Theo and Melissa were two people that were there for me, even after I started drinking and drugging. They ended up having to set strong boundaries for me, but, they tried to help the best they could.
I also need to note that there were others, who I know to this day, that were there prior to the return to drinking/drugging that were trying to help with the depression and anxiety. If you know anything about depression, you know it is a massive weight that holds people down hard. Barbara and Katrina helped me a lot, even once, getting me out in nature for walks. Melissa and Tina would come and back on my door and windows to try to get me out of bed in the middle of the day. Theo was my strongest support during this time. There were others along the way who were there in ways I am forever grateful for to this day.
Yet, I had made the decision to start drinking again. This lead to me smoking pot again. This lead to cocaine and crack. It was all back within weeks and the levels of use didn't decrease with time, they only increased. After ten years of recovery I was back in full blown destruction mode. Once certain drugs were in the picture I was off to the races. I had already, within a week or two, went back to drinking at levels that was getting me asked to leave bars, so, that lead to drugs. I was then just masking the emotional pain I was dealing with prior to use. The relief that I got initially, went away fast and I went into "fuck it" mode. It was off to the races.
Now, I am going to share a piece of this period of time with you that I, to this day, hold regret for doing. My son and I, prior to this time, were barely speaking to each other. I had been the dad in recovery with the rules, and he, the 16 yr old who was doing his thing at this moms. He was having a lot of problems at school and had started drinking and using drugs himself. I drank and used drugs with my son. The dad who had modeled ten years of recovery living made a horrible decision to use with his son. Initially this brought us closer together. We had something in common now. We could talk to each other now. I fully regret this decision, but, have to be honest and say it did help us to talk openly about how we felt about each other. Once I returned to recovery it would drive a wedge in between us, but, for that brief period, we were able to open up like we had never before, about years of stuff built up between us.
For a bit of time it was Sarah, Tyler, and I running crazy. Literally, just running wild without a care in the world. I was running the business, well kinda, I was more just not giving a shit much about the impending financial reality. Sarah, she would go to work everyday until Noon, and we would party nearly every night into the next morning. For a short period Stephanie came back into my life and we started toying with getting back together. The alcohol and drugs had taken away my depression and anxiety and in some sense I was able to be me again.....it didn't last, but, it was there for awhile and why I think she came back for a bit. It really was a wild ride.
I pretty quickly, really within days of drinking, but moreso after the drugs came into the picture, knew this would all not end well. I knew, having been in recovery for over a decade, and my past before that, knew what the future would hold with any length of sustained addiction in my life again. I had this in my mind, and after a month of use, Sarah and I would talk about it. We both knew, and even started making attempts to reduce use in December of that year. The addiction had us in our grips, but, we started a return to recovery at this time. I was seeing, clearly, where my son was in his life, and it scared the shit out of me. I knew this all couldn't go on for long.
We have great stories about this time period, we talk about them to this day, but, the reality was, we were destined for a whole lot of trouble if it had continued.
My next journal entry is dated March 25, 2007:
"In October of last year (don't remember the exact date) I relapsed after ten years of recovery from drugs and alcohol. I sit here six months later waiting to get into treatment. I started with a drink and am at the end addicted to crack cocaine. Drugs and alcohol are not the answer for me. With God's help I will persevere and get sober again. I will update along the way. David"
This would mark the return to recovery. The return to what I knew truly was the answer for me. It was a scary time. I was fearful of the depression returning. I was fearful of the anxiety returning. I was fearful of not being able to sleep, like it was just prior to drinking. Even with all of that fear I KNEW what I had to do. I had to get back to a life as a person in recovery.
The summer of 2006 turned into fall. I was in a complete mental crisis. I had been going to counseling, trying different medications for depression and anxiety, talking to friends, but, it was persisting. I have it all journaled. I can see small snippets of hope, but, mostly, it was a lot of pain. In my view, at that time, my world was crashing all around me. I could see the writing on the wall for the business, I had just put Kodi down, and my marriage was over. I wanted relief.
I drank. I remember the day, or should I say night, well. I was with a friend and he was going out to a bonfire party in the woods and invited me. On that one day, I said sure. That day would prove to turn into nearly six months of a return to use of drugs and alcohol. I have it journaled after drinking that first night, and the several after that. Then, the journaling goes blank. My last journal entry, dated October 23rd, 2006:
"I am choosing in my life today to do things in moderation and see how it goes. Partying a lot right now but see that dying down. Work is well, started on a new project"
My next journal entry comes after the crash and won't be until March of 2007.
I have no idea what the "new project" was, but, what I do know is my "moderation" turned into craziness. I had my friend Sarah who had returned to drinking several months prior and I had kept in a contact with her, but, not much. When I drank, I reached out to her. When I did that it kicked off a months long party of sorts. Everything else during this time took a backseat to our run of drinking and drugging day in and day out. A 24 hour a day cycle that took us to Yakima frequently to get drugs. This express lane to Yakima was in place just long enough for us to find the local drug dealer in Ellensburg. That took less than two weeks.
I can tell you that initially, the relief was just what I had been seeking. I am not going to say it was an immediate sadness that I had returned to use after 10yrs in recovery, because, it wasn't. Drinking and drugging took away the sadness and pain for a bit. Just a bit, but, just long enough for me to function. The first month or so I was able to get back into action at work. The depression subsided and the anxiety lessened. It was a massive relief.
I continued to go see my counselor for that first month or so that I started drinking and drugging again. Ronnie was willing to continue to listen and help me through my life. I was not shunned or turned away by her in any way. This would turn out to be a great help when I was ready to stop the use in Feb/Mar of the next year. I had friends who were trying to help me to see the trainwreck I was headed toward and I, to this day, appreciate their efforts, it did work in the end. Theo and Melissa were two people that were there for me, even after I started drinking and drugging. They ended up having to set strong boundaries for me, but, they tried to help the best they could.
I also need to note that there were others, who I know to this day, that were there prior to the return to drinking/drugging that were trying to help with the depression and anxiety. If you know anything about depression, you know it is a massive weight that holds people down hard. Barbara and Katrina helped me a lot, even once, getting me out in nature for walks. Melissa and Tina would come and back on my door and windows to try to get me out of bed in the middle of the day. Theo was my strongest support during this time. There were others along the way who were there in ways I am forever grateful for to this day.
Yet, I had made the decision to start drinking again. This lead to me smoking pot again. This lead to cocaine and crack. It was all back within weeks and the levels of use didn't decrease with time, they only increased. After ten years of recovery I was back in full blown destruction mode. Once certain drugs were in the picture I was off to the races. I had already, within a week or two, went back to drinking at levels that was getting me asked to leave bars, so, that lead to drugs. I was then just masking the emotional pain I was dealing with prior to use. The relief that I got initially, went away fast and I went into "fuck it" mode. It was off to the races.
Now, I am going to share a piece of this period of time with you that I, to this day, hold regret for doing. My son and I, prior to this time, were barely speaking to each other. I had been the dad in recovery with the rules, and he, the 16 yr old who was doing his thing at this moms. He was having a lot of problems at school and had started drinking and using drugs himself. I drank and used drugs with my son. The dad who had modeled ten years of recovery living made a horrible decision to use with his son. Initially this brought us closer together. We had something in common now. We could talk to each other now. I fully regret this decision, but, have to be honest and say it did help us to talk openly about how we felt about each other. Once I returned to recovery it would drive a wedge in between us, but, for that brief period, we were able to open up like we had never before, about years of stuff built up between us.
For a bit of time it was Sarah, Tyler, and I running crazy. Literally, just running wild without a care in the world. I was running the business, well kinda, I was more just not giving a shit much about the impending financial reality. Sarah, she would go to work everyday until Noon, and we would party nearly every night into the next morning. For a short period Stephanie came back into my life and we started toying with getting back together. The alcohol and drugs had taken away my depression and anxiety and in some sense I was able to be me again.....it didn't last, but, it was there for awhile and why I think she came back for a bit. It really was a wild ride.
I pretty quickly, really within days of drinking, but moreso after the drugs came into the picture, knew this would all not end well. I knew, having been in recovery for over a decade, and my past before that, knew what the future would hold with any length of sustained addiction in my life again. I had this in my mind, and after a month of use, Sarah and I would talk about it. We both knew, and even started making attempts to reduce use in December of that year. The addiction had us in our grips, but, we started a return to recovery at this time. I was seeing, clearly, where my son was in his life, and it scared the shit out of me. I knew this all couldn't go on for long.
We have great stories about this time period, we talk about them to this day, but, the reality was, we were destined for a whole lot of trouble if it had continued.
My next journal entry is dated March 25, 2007:
"In October of last year (don't remember the exact date) I relapsed after ten years of recovery from drugs and alcohol. I sit here six months later waiting to get into treatment. I started with a drink and am at the end addicted to crack cocaine. Drugs and alcohol are not the answer for me. With God's help I will persevere and get sober again. I will update along the way. David"
This would mark the return to recovery. The return to what I knew truly was the answer for me. It was a scary time. I was fearful of the depression returning. I was fearful of the anxiety returning. I was fearful of not being able to sleep, like it was just prior to drinking. Even with all of that fear I KNEW what I had to do. I had to get back to a life as a person in recovery.
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