Today I celebrate 17 years of recovery

 

I often post my last booking photo from the mid 90's to show how far I have come in my life. What I don't often post, and this may be the first time ever, is the picture above that shows me after returning to use in the fall of 2006.  (To note, the cute puppy I am holding is the infamous late Harper)

You might ask.....why would a guy return to active addiction after being in recovery for over a decade? Well, I am sure this can be looked at in many ways but I can only tell how it happened for me.

I do always note that I was very active in doing things to support my recovery and mental health right up until the night I drank in the fall of '06.  I was going to AA meetings, I was talking to friends, and I was seeing a therapist to manage all the things that were happening in my life during that time period. 

My anxiety and depression were off the charts and I was struggling on a daily basis with having any desire to get out of bed and keep living. I was going through a break up that would lead to a divorce after a ten year relationship/marriage. I had a business that was struggling financially and that was a weight that I carried every waking hour. My dog Kodi developed a tumor that was inoperable and he had to be put down at a young age and losing him was nearly unbearable with everything else that was happening at the same time. Just typing all of that brought back memories of this time period......it was a heavy time period.

I remember making the decision to drink. I had went to a party with a guy I had met and it was a moment in time where my defenses were down and my desire to drink outweighed my desire to keep amassing days in recovery beyond the 10 plus years I held to that point. I have it journaled not long after this about my return to use, how I needed to keep it in check, and I was just seeing how things were going to go. 

Well, they didn't go well for me. It wasn't long before I was getting kicked out of every bar, it wasn't long before I started smoking pot, it wasn't long before I sought out and found cocaine, and it wasn't long before I starting turning cocaine into crack. This progression all happened within about a thirty day period.  Almost immediately I knew the return to use wasn't going well. I could see that me drinking wasn't a good idea. Once I started smoking pot it was an instant daily affair. When cocaine and crack entered the picture all bets were off and it was off to the races.  From about October through that winter and into early spring it was a daily affair to be drunk or high or a mix of both. 

It was about November when I knew if I kept going down this path things would not end well. Having had that decade plus of recovery I knew that recovery was the way I needed to turn back too. It would take those months until March 25th of 2007 for that to take hold again, but I remember clearly in November having conversations with people that this was what I needed to do and I know I am fortunate to be sitting here typing this blog years later with a whole bunch of years of recovery. 

On this day, 17 years ago, I decided that I would return to a life in recovery and I haven't looked back since. I have learned to ensure I am living a whole life in all ways and I have learned to take a look at things in my life in a way that work for me to ensure no matter what is going on, I can walk through all of life without the need to think returning to use is a good idea. 

I value living a holistic life in recovery.  Through healthy daily routines, taking care of my physical and mental health always, having a strong circle of influence, being who I am at my core as best I can on a daily basis, and, through having a strong connection to the community I live in, I get to live a pretty amazing life today.  

Life is life not matter what.  That is a fact. Whether one is in active addiction or in long term recovery. Life WILL through us curves and we will need to be able to face them. It's not always easy, it's not always fun, and sometimes it just sucks period. Yet, during the last 17 years I have experienced it all and through each of the times where life has thrown me curves I have used the skills I have learned to walk through them. 

Life in recovery is simply better, it just is. I get to do so much in my life today that I could never have dreamed possible 17 years ago.....never in a million years.  I have strong relationships with family and friends, I get to be a husband, father, grandfather, uncle, brother, and friend.  I get to be a reliable employee and business owner. I get to be responsible to the things I commit to in our community. I GET to to do so much that I never would have imagined in a life prior.

Recovery works, lives change.