Happy March 1st!

March is here and this begins my month long writing in my blog. This year I will write about whatever comes to mind each day. 

March is my anniversary month for being a person in recovery. On the 25th of this month I will enjoy 17 years of recovery. For me, my path has been long and full of ups and downs and all arounds in all ways. While I will celebrate 17 years this month, directly prior to this length of time I also enjoyed just over a decade of recovery having a previous recovery date of February 21, 1996 until the fall of '06 when I returned to use for about a six month period.

I love all a life in recovery has given me. I say this......all I have....the good, the bad, and the massive struggles along the way....all of it is doable because of my life in recovery as a whole. 

Previous to 1996 I had little in terms of actual skills to deal with life with all it gives us. When bad things would happen I would turn to drugs and alcohol to manage. When life was good I would turn to drugs and alcohol to celebrate. When life was neither bad or good I would turn to drugs and alcohol. I was the guy who had a mantra of "I will NEVER not drink or smoke pot".  That's just who I was. I could see that using crack cocaine and meth wasn't going to be a manageable thing in the long term.  But I wasn't ever going to fully let go of alcohol or pot. That was my mindset for years.

I remember well my first time going to treatment and being told I might consider giving it all up. This was news to me and not something I had ever considered. I was in treatment the first time in '93 for my use of crack cocaine. I could clearly see how continued use of that drug couldn't happen. But, to hear that I should also give up alcohol, and. my beloved pot, well, that was a lot to hear. 

It was also during this very first time in treatment that I started to touch the surface of my childhood and young adult years that held a whole bag full of darkness. To this point in my life I had only shared small snippets of what had happened to me as a child with just one or two people and I didn't share all of it. It was in the 21 day treatment where these wounds got the first layer peeled back and it didn't feel good and I was quick to keep that wound hidden.

I would leave that first treatment and make a solid effort at sobriety. I did discontinue all use for about five months in total. This was a pretty big deal considering I had drank, smoked pot, and dabbled in speed and acid from the age of 12 until that time period where I was now 25 years old. It was something I really wanted to change for myself as a whole.

The issue largely surrounded those deep wounds that I wasn't yet ready to address.  The return to a drink, then pot, then heavy drugs after just five months sober in those early days of my journey that has led me to the life I have now was more about keeping those deep wounds at bay and not addressing them. I wasn't there, I didn't have the tools nor the resources to begin to address my why for my use of drugs and alcohol beginning at the age of 12 years old.  

I say frequently that recovery is not a linear process......it just isn't.  Sure, there are people, and I 100% applaud those who do this, who discontinue all use and run with it from day one. That is amazing to see for those it happens too. Yet, for myself, and many like me, it takes time, it takes multiple tries, it takes a lot to get to any amount of long term sobriety.  This is a health condition that requires a lot treatment and care to get someone from the depths of where we go to living a full and health life. 

Yet, even with knowing it takes time and a lot of effort, we are worth the effort. I say that for myself and the millions of others just like me who get to live full and amazing lives in recovery.  

Recovery works, lives change.