Some of this a blur
To this point in my story, that spans over a decade of drinking and pot smoking, and in the last year crack cocaine, I was able to get my first taste of being a person in recovery. It is vitally important, if you are following this to learn, that ANY treatment contact is a success. I hear many things said in regard to someone who starts drinking/drugging again after treatment. Most of these things are negative in nature. I get it, it is frustrating, yet, just like any disease, the first treatment doesn't always work. One type of treatment method may not be enough. If someone has cancer or diabetes we don't give up on them after the first treatment. We encourage them to do more, or, try something new. Yet, with a substance use disorder, in many cases, after someone gets one treatment we say they should be fixed. It doesn't work like that for many. I was one of the many. I have a life today that is AMAZING beyond my wildest dreams. A family, career, home, sanity, security, and many other great things. All of what I have today started because of that very first treatment at Olalla in 1993. Did the first treatment take? No. Does it mean that treatment didn't work? Read on and you decide.
At the end of yesterday's blog I had returned to drinking. I am certain I returned to smoking pot also. For me, alcohol and pot went hand in hand. Now, because I had taken a very highly addictive drug in the recent past, my brain, was rewired in some respects. What do I mean? Well, when one takes a highly addictive drug they are firing off "feel good" parts of the brain like crazy. The drug puts the "feel good" part of the brain in massive overdrive. This is very difficult to mimic without the drug. Why do I bring this up? Well, I started smoking pot and alcohol and they just didn't give me the same "high" as before. Sure, it was still ok, but it wasn't enough anymore. After having smoked crack cocaine there was no comparison. Also, I haven't written much about it to this point, but, I was massively depressed. This was new for me. Alcohol and pot were what helped me in this regard. Not having the drugs to keep me going was killing me. Please read about this. Learn about it. It is a major issue for people in early recovery.
I ended up moving from my mom's in Puyallup to my step-brother Kenny's place in Federal Way. I had lost my job at Brewery City after I started drinking again. No surprise there. Kenny had a cleaning business and he offered to let me stay in his house in trade for working for him. Stephanie and I were barely hanging on by this point. I mean barely. I had noted it was "hanging on by two threads" in a previous blog, well, now it was probably one thread. This thread was worn and tattered and about to break.
When I started drinking/smoking pot again I reconnected with an old friend from the block. I had distanced myself from him after treatment because he was someone I did most of my drinking and pot smoking with. I had missed Julio. He and I knew each other since we were kids. I had learned in treatment that I would have to give up friends that I used with. To this day, I believe this is a really tough thing for someone. Many people will say "the friends you used with weren't really your friends anyway". I say that's pure bullshit. I think it would be much better received if it were said in a different way. Some of my closest friends were people I used with. We are not bad people. I was using just as much as they were and vica versa. Sure, one may need to distance themselves to turn their lives around and get strong in their own walk in recovery, but, sending the message that "those people are bad people" is the wrong message to send. Yes, I did need to distance myself for sure from people, places, and things that might cause me to go back to using, I get it. But, the message I described that "they weren't your friends" is the wrong message to send. I had one friend in particular you will hear about soon that was drinking and a pot smoker just as much as I was, and he desperately tried to save me from going down the dark road I am about to go down. He was a true friend, period. One of my closest friends in the world is someone I used with. We are both people in recovery. Anyway....back to the story.
The move to Federal Way wasn't the best move in my life at the time. I moved away from any support system that I had. I have always loved Tacoma and still do. Ttown gets a bad rap. It is a great place. Sure, it has it's bad areas just like any city, but I love it. I had never lived in Federal Way and didn't know a soul up there. I can't remember my exact thinking of the "why", but my best guess is I had too. I didn't have much choice after returning to drinking and losing my job. I probably thought I could turn it back around if I went out there and worked with Kenny. He was doing well at the time in his life and I had a strong bond with him from us being kids.
One of my breaking points in my mind, besides losing my job at Brewery City was about to happen. I don't remember being in Federal Way to long before this happened. We are in 1994, the Sonics were in the playoffs and I wanted to go watch them with Julio at a sports bar in Federal Way. Stephanie and I are were not doing well as it was, and she was not happy that I was hanging out with Julio again. She paid a special visit to the bar, and in front of a room full of people, took off her engagement ring and threw it at me. She was done. I will never forget the day. Even though it wasn't a huge surprise, our relationship was not going well at all at this point, and while I did my "tough guy this doesn't bother me" act, I was devastated. Completely devastated.
Remember that I have always wanted to have a good relationship. You know, get married, have kids, have a home??? Yeah, that was crushed again. And, only of my own doing. So now.......I am living in what I viewed as somewhat isolation in a place/area that is foreign to me, I am drinking and smoking pot again, and I just had my fiancee break up with me.
I haven't written much about my issues with depression to this point. Yet, as I am writing this blog this time period is one filled with massive depression, worry, and anxiety about nearly everything. I remember it all to well. My time alone was not good. It was spent sleeping or ruminating about my life to that point. 27yrs old, busted and broke, single not of my choice, no real career, no real goals.....it wasn't good.
I was seeing my son. Tyler was about 4 by this time. I would have him as much as I could but it was tough too. Moving out to Federal Way seemed a world away. There was stuff going on with mine and Cyndi's co parenting at this point. She was with a guy who had his own drug problems. Me and her were not able to communicate well at all about Tyler's well being. I just remember it being a real tough time in this area. My boy was just a boy, and his world, I am sure, was very confusing for him to be in. I am sorry Tyler if you are reading this. I was not your Dad during this time. I just wasn't . I know you and I are good now, but, writing this, with the memories coming in, the tears flow for you son. I am so proud of you and who you have become. I love you.
I don't remember the "when or how", I really don't. I am thinking it was friends from the block that I met along the way. But, the "when and how" doesn't matter much now. This is 1994 and there is a new drug that is starting to spread. Low and behold, Pierce County, just happens to be one of the MAIN hubs for this to begin happening across our nation. Back then we called it "crank", not the crank that I had done several years prior, this was new crank. MUCH MUCH MUCH stronger, longer lasting, and now, looking back, scary. Just plain scary. I met crank about this time.
I want you to brace yourselves for what comes next. I am pausing as I am typing this to cry. I am not kidding. The next two years of my life go on complete destruction mode. Complete and utter destruction mode. I know now, looking back, why. I was done with my life at this point in the game. Too much had happened and I didn't see any hope. Crank was at my door knocking and I answered in a big way.
At the end of yesterday's blog I had returned to drinking. I am certain I returned to smoking pot also. For me, alcohol and pot went hand in hand. Now, because I had taken a very highly addictive drug in the recent past, my brain, was rewired in some respects. What do I mean? Well, when one takes a highly addictive drug they are firing off "feel good" parts of the brain like crazy. The drug puts the "feel good" part of the brain in massive overdrive. This is very difficult to mimic without the drug. Why do I bring this up? Well, I started smoking pot and alcohol and they just didn't give me the same "high" as before. Sure, it was still ok, but it wasn't enough anymore. After having smoked crack cocaine there was no comparison. Also, I haven't written much about it to this point, but, I was massively depressed. This was new for me. Alcohol and pot were what helped me in this regard. Not having the drugs to keep me going was killing me. Please read about this. Learn about it. It is a major issue for people in early recovery.
I ended up moving from my mom's in Puyallup to my step-brother Kenny's place in Federal Way. I had lost my job at Brewery City after I started drinking again. No surprise there. Kenny had a cleaning business and he offered to let me stay in his house in trade for working for him. Stephanie and I were barely hanging on by this point. I mean barely. I had noted it was "hanging on by two threads" in a previous blog, well, now it was probably one thread. This thread was worn and tattered and about to break.
When I started drinking/smoking pot again I reconnected with an old friend from the block. I had distanced myself from him after treatment because he was someone I did most of my drinking and pot smoking with. I had missed Julio. He and I knew each other since we were kids. I had learned in treatment that I would have to give up friends that I used with. To this day, I believe this is a really tough thing for someone. Many people will say "the friends you used with weren't really your friends anyway". I say that's pure bullshit. I think it would be much better received if it were said in a different way. Some of my closest friends were people I used with. We are not bad people. I was using just as much as they were and vica versa. Sure, one may need to distance themselves to turn their lives around and get strong in their own walk in recovery, but, sending the message that "those people are bad people" is the wrong message to send. Yes, I did need to distance myself for sure from people, places, and things that might cause me to go back to using, I get it. But, the message I described that "they weren't your friends" is the wrong message to send. I had one friend in particular you will hear about soon that was drinking and a pot smoker just as much as I was, and he desperately tried to save me from going down the dark road I am about to go down. He was a true friend, period. One of my closest friends in the world is someone I used with. We are both people in recovery. Anyway....back to the story.
The move to Federal Way wasn't the best move in my life at the time. I moved away from any support system that I had. I have always loved Tacoma and still do. Ttown gets a bad rap. It is a great place. Sure, it has it's bad areas just like any city, but I love it. I had never lived in Federal Way and didn't know a soul up there. I can't remember my exact thinking of the "why", but my best guess is I had too. I didn't have much choice after returning to drinking and losing my job. I probably thought I could turn it back around if I went out there and worked with Kenny. He was doing well at the time in his life and I had a strong bond with him from us being kids.
One of my breaking points in my mind, besides losing my job at Brewery City was about to happen. I don't remember being in Federal Way to long before this happened. We are in 1994, the Sonics were in the playoffs and I wanted to go watch them with Julio at a sports bar in Federal Way. Stephanie and I are were not doing well as it was, and she was not happy that I was hanging out with Julio again. She paid a special visit to the bar, and in front of a room full of people, took off her engagement ring and threw it at me. She was done. I will never forget the day. Even though it wasn't a huge surprise, our relationship was not going well at all at this point, and while I did my "tough guy this doesn't bother me" act, I was devastated. Completely devastated.
Remember that I have always wanted to have a good relationship. You know, get married, have kids, have a home??? Yeah, that was crushed again. And, only of my own doing. So now.......I am living in what I viewed as somewhat isolation in a place/area that is foreign to me, I am drinking and smoking pot again, and I just had my fiancee break up with me.
I haven't written much about my issues with depression to this point. Yet, as I am writing this blog this time period is one filled with massive depression, worry, and anxiety about nearly everything. I remember it all to well. My time alone was not good. It was spent sleeping or ruminating about my life to that point. 27yrs old, busted and broke, single not of my choice, no real career, no real goals.....it wasn't good.
I was seeing my son. Tyler was about 4 by this time. I would have him as much as I could but it was tough too. Moving out to Federal Way seemed a world away. There was stuff going on with mine and Cyndi's co parenting at this point. She was with a guy who had his own drug problems. Me and her were not able to communicate well at all about Tyler's well being. I just remember it being a real tough time in this area. My boy was just a boy, and his world, I am sure, was very confusing for him to be in. I am sorry Tyler if you are reading this. I was not your Dad during this time. I just wasn't . I know you and I are good now, but, writing this, with the memories coming in, the tears flow for you son. I am so proud of you and who you have become. I love you.
I don't remember the "when or how", I really don't. I am thinking it was friends from the block that I met along the way. But, the "when and how" doesn't matter much now. This is 1994 and there is a new drug that is starting to spread. Low and behold, Pierce County, just happens to be one of the MAIN hubs for this to begin happening across our nation. Back then we called it "crank", not the crank that I had done several years prior, this was new crank. MUCH MUCH MUCH stronger, longer lasting, and now, looking back, scary. Just plain scary. I met crank about this time.
I want you to brace yourselves for what comes next. I am pausing as I am typing this to cry. I am not kidding. The next two years of my life go on complete destruction mode. Complete and utter destruction mode. I know now, looking back, why. I was done with my life at this point in the game. Too much had happened and I didn't see any hope. Crank was at my door knocking and I answered in a big way.
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