Recovery works, lives change
I have appreciated the feedback from many who have followed this blog. I would be lying if I didn't say doing this is a little scary. Sure, I am a pretty vocal person, yet, opening up completely up about my path, isn't something I do everyday. I have spoken to many about being a person in recovery, but, I stay focused on the future. I made a decision several years ago to primarily be a forward thinking person. I have heard from you what I believe, that my story is powerful. Powerful in that I am not a statistic. Not just a grave marker with a sad ending, or a number in a prison, or, worse yet, someone who many would not come close to in the world due to being in active addiction. I found a passage in 1996 that I believe to this day......we all hold in us the power to do amazing things.....we are all powerful beyond measure. I don't say this to seem arrogant or pompous. I say this to combat the, still to this day, negative tapes in my head. The ones that try to keep me down. I am proud to be a person in long term recovery and I want as many people as possible, in their own way, to experience the same. Recovery works, lives change.
Yesterday we were nearing the turning point. The turning point where I transitioned from being a person destined for prison, or, and likely just as possible, death. At the end of today's blog is a before and after photo. Before being a booking photo from Pierce County Jail in 1995. After, a professional photo taken in 2013. These are stark contrasts that show where I have been, and, most important, where I am today.
In that booking photo from 1995, physically, I weighed in at about maybe....120ish. Maybe. Soaking wet and with clothes on. Physically, my body was beat up. Very beat up. Meth is a drug made up of chemicals that are only suitable for sewer drains and surfaces you want to remove paint from. Meth gets inside the human body and ravages every part it touches. My teeth were in bad shape. Very bad shape....I was already not someone who knew good dental hygiene from my youth, so, drugs and alcohol had a feeding ground in this regard. Meth was the worst. Mentally, I was in just as bad of shape as the physical, likely worse.
I remember being in jail well. I remember the drugs wearing off and the realization of where I was in my life starting to sink in full force. I was done. I knew that my path forward was not going to be good in any way, shape, or form. My future would include many years in jail or prison. My gig was up. This was it, and at 29 years old, I was calling it. Life......over. I wanted to die. I mean that. I wanted to just go away.
In jail you sit. That's it. You sit in your thoughts. You sit in a space that holds no hope. Most of what you hear around you is bleak. A bunch of men, well boys acting like men, talking in a way that is covering up their own pain. This comes out in the stories about the "how and what".....how they were tough "out there", and what they were going to do when they got "out there". Out there is called "the world"....a place that is described as being against you and you had to fight it. The system is something that isn't trusted and no one is your friend. Jail sucks, Period.
When I got out of that short stint behind bars I told myself, as you read in yesterdays journal, I needed to do whatever I had to do to change. I was disgusted with where my life was at that moment in time. I had had a taste of recovery and I wanted that again. Even though that taste of recovery was very brief, I had experienced it, and I wanted it again. I was scared to death in many ways. I was scared of what that would look like. I was scared of how I would be able to repair the damage in my recent path. I was scared of not knowing how I would fix my bleak financial situation. I was in massive physical and emotional pain and I was scared it would never end. But, at that point, my options were few. For me, at that time, it was either continue on the path I was going, or, turn it around.
I can see in my journaling, from that point forward, where the shift happened. I started down the road I have been on for over 20 years now. The long and winding road of recovery.
Below is a journal entry dated 9/21/95. This is just over a month later than the journal entry from yesterday's blog.
"I've done well for myself. I am not doing drugs and that I must say is an accomplishment I can proud of. I am not with anyone and still am not returning to the life of drugs. I will be entering into a treatment program again soon. Times are tough, moneys almost non-existent and it's difficult. I know if I continue on the same track I am on I will be on top in the long run. Me and Wendy were back together for a weekend but now we've slowed down. I have to accept things the way they are and like all other things in life, be happy with myself the way I am today, tomorrow, and everyday afterward. I want out of the environment I am in because I feel like it's holding me back. For now I continue to do things with positive people and keep a positive attitude. I am happier now than i've been in a long time and I will not let anything get in my way. I love my son and love watching him grow. God is once again giving me a chance to grow and be what i've always wanted to be. I love caring, giving, and loving other people."
In just over a month from being in a jail cell with no hope at all, I had some hope back in my life. I truly believe that having that first taste of recovery was what helped me during this time. I knew, after learning about recovery in 1993, that there was a better way to live. From the journal entry above to the next February, when I go back to treatment, I do my best at staying on the straight and narrow. My recent past behaviors will catch up with me, I will struggle with staying off of drugs and alcohol, but, for the most part, I start working to become a person in recovery again.
In the months leading up to my second treatment for my addiction I will see a jail cell again, this time with the same amount of fear as before. I will receive help from my sister that propels my resolve to do what I need to do to become a person recovery. I will continue my quest to change my life for the better.
Yesterday we were nearing the turning point. The turning point where I transitioned from being a person destined for prison, or, and likely just as possible, death. At the end of today's blog is a before and after photo. Before being a booking photo from Pierce County Jail in 1995. After, a professional photo taken in 2013. These are stark contrasts that show where I have been, and, most important, where I am today.
In that booking photo from 1995, physically, I weighed in at about maybe....120ish. Maybe. Soaking wet and with clothes on. Physically, my body was beat up. Very beat up. Meth is a drug made up of chemicals that are only suitable for sewer drains and surfaces you want to remove paint from. Meth gets inside the human body and ravages every part it touches. My teeth were in bad shape. Very bad shape....I was already not someone who knew good dental hygiene from my youth, so, drugs and alcohol had a feeding ground in this regard. Meth was the worst. Mentally, I was in just as bad of shape as the physical, likely worse.
I remember being in jail well. I remember the drugs wearing off and the realization of where I was in my life starting to sink in full force. I was done. I knew that my path forward was not going to be good in any way, shape, or form. My future would include many years in jail or prison. My gig was up. This was it, and at 29 years old, I was calling it. Life......over. I wanted to die. I mean that. I wanted to just go away.
In jail you sit. That's it. You sit in your thoughts. You sit in a space that holds no hope. Most of what you hear around you is bleak. A bunch of men, well boys acting like men, talking in a way that is covering up their own pain. This comes out in the stories about the "how and what".....how they were tough "out there", and what they were going to do when they got "out there". Out there is called "the world"....a place that is described as being against you and you had to fight it. The system is something that isn't trusted and no one is your friend. Jail sucks, Period.
When I got out of that short stint behind bars I told myself, as you read in yesterdays journal, I needed to do whatever I had to do to change. I was disgusted with where my life was at that moment in time. I had had a taste of recovery and I wanted that again. Even though that taste of recovery was very brief, I had experienced it, and I wanted it again. I was scared to death in many ways. I was scared of what that would look like. I was scared of how I would be able to repair the damage in my recent path. I was scared of not knowing how I would fix my bleak financial situation. I was in massive physical and emotional pain and I was scared it would never end. But, at that point, my options were few. For me, at that time, it was either continue on the path I was going, or, turn it around.
I can see in my journaling, from that point forward, where the shift happened. I started down the road I have been on for over 20 years now. The long and winding road of recovery.
Below is a journal entry dated 9/21/95. This is just over a month later than the journal entry from yesterday's blog.
"I've done well for myself. I am not doing drugs and that I must say is an accomplishment I can proud of. I am not with anyone and still am not returning to the life of drugs. I will be entering into a treatment program again soon. Times are tough, moneys almost non-existent and it's difficult. I know if I continue on the same track I am on I will be on top in the long run. Me and Wendy were back together for a weekend but now we've slowed down. I have to accept things the way they are and like all other things in life, be happy with myself the way I am today, tomorrow, and everyday afterward. I want out of the environment I am in because I feel like it's holding me back. For now I continue to do things with positive people and keep a positive attitude. I am happier now than i've been in a long time and I will not let anything get in my way. I love my son and love watching him grow. God is once again giving me a chance to grow and be what i've always wanted to be. I love caring, giving, and loving other people."
In just over a month from being in a jail cell with no hope at all, I had some hope back in my life. I truly believe that having that first taste of recovery was what helped me during this time. I knew, after learning about recovery in 1993, that there was a better way to live. From the journal entry above to the next February, when I go back to treatment, I do my best at staying on the straight and narrow. My recent past behaviors will catch up with me, I will struggle with staying off of drugs and alcohol, but, for the most part, I start working to become a person in recovery again.
In the months leading up to my second treatment for my addiction I will see a jail cell again, this time with the same amount of fear as before. I will receive help from my sister that propels my resolve to do what I need to do to become a person recovery. I will continue my quest to change my life for the better.
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