The work of recovery begins
We left off yesterday with me getting a massive reprieve. It was that day, where I didn't go to jail, and was allowed to continue my positive movement forward, and others, where I was seeing how amazing my life could become in recovery. After making the decision to stop using drugs and alcohol and start peeling back the layers of my life to heal from the shit show of my childhood, and, even my adulthood, I could do things different. Things were hard, a lot of the work was emotionally painful, but, sitting here now years later, it was all worth it.
It's important to note that I had a multitude of things I had to fix in my life. I just gave my monthly lecture to men in treatment yesterday and talked about the importance of paying attention to all areas of ones life in early recovery. It's vital work that must be paid attention to early on to ensure success moving forward.
I had massive financial wreckage. Thinking back now, I honestly don't know how I climbed out of it. I owed thousands to multiple court systems across pierce and king counties for the many traffic fines I accumulated. I owed over 13k in back child support with it continuing to accumulate as each month went by. I had a stack of personal debt that I carried around with me for way to long. Literally, I had this stack of bills in a big rubber band that was like a 500 pound weight always looming over me. My second wife, if I am grateful for one thing out of that marriage, it was her helping me in this area. She taught me how to create and run from a budget. She helped me to start chipping away at my debt one by one. For some bills I would start by sending $5 a month. I remember scoffing at the idea of sending such a small amount. But, that wasn't the only thing I learned to do. I also called them and told them what was going on and my plan to pay the debt. It worked. Slowly but surely I climbed out. Again, not easy, and I could write more about this, but, vital work.
After treatment I continued, or I really should say, I began to really do the work on my stuff from my childhood and the work needed to heal from the sexual abuse. I found a counselor who had this training and began peeling it all back. That was hard work and while going through it, not easy, also necessary. For me it took a whole lot of counseling and learning new ways of thinking to heal. It was through this work that I was able to forgive my mother and understand things from her lens. Not saying what she did was right, but, seeing things from the eyes of a single mom raising four kids mostly completely on her own. I learned through talks with her that she had her own demons she was fighting. I still have the letter I wrote my mom during this period where I was able to forgive her and let all that shit go. I say now, my mom was doing the best she knew with what she had at the time. That's just it. My mom was an amazing woman who did all she could to raise her kids in the best way possible given all that was happening.
When I started this work I completely disconnected from Lyn Gilmore. Literally, the second I stopped doing drugs and alcohol and began counseling I took him out of my life forever. I haven't written much about him, on purpose, but I should let you know he continued to be in and out of my life until I was 29 and started my walk in recovery. I say to this today, I don't forgive him for what he did to me, and I know, many other boys....I just don't. But, I have moved on from all of it. He was a predator. I am a person that believes in karma and I don't need to feel any ill will toward him. Life will take care of what he has done to destroy lives. I use the knowledge I learned in counseling to let go of the pain caused by his actions and let go of the guilt and shame I had attached to that entire period of my life.
I started taking care of my physical health. In those early years I needed a ton of dental work. I had missing teeth and the ones I did have were in bad shape. Common for those of us who used meth. The nickname is "meth mouth". I don't even like using that word due to the stigma that is attached to it. I was able to access dental care to start the years long process to fix the damage that meth had done. I will never forget getting an HIV/AID's test for the first time. I was scared to death. Probably one of the scariest wait times for any test results. Another pivotal time when I heard I was negative. Good time to keep moving forward with recovery. I know I am fortunate in many ways when it comes to my physical health.
I got a job. From right at the beginning of my walk in recovery I got a job...any job. My first steady job in recovery was at a Subway in Sumner, WA. I remember this job well in a few ways. One, I was glad to have a job. I needed income desperately. Two, yes, there was part of me that felt like I could do better than Subway, I had better jobs in the past. But, I still did my job and did it well. I was the best damn Sandwich Artist in the land while I was there. Three, I was able to get this job because I lied on my application where it asked if I had been convicted of a crime. I felt I had to or I wouldn't get the job. Until 2010 when I was able to have my record vacated and no longer have to say, ever again, "convicted felon", job opportunities were scarce. Many places, even to this day, won't even talk to you if you have a record. So yes, for that job I lied.....I was a good employee, was in recovery, and was trying to right my life. I ended up at a cooking after that job for quite awhile. Mom got me a lead on that job so I checked it out. I worked at what used to be KC's Caboose in Sumner for quite a while. The owner there had no problem with me having a record and appreciated that I was in recovery. I stayed at that job while I was in school and getting my life going again.
It was in 1998 that another pivotal moment came along that spoke to the power of a person in recovery and how things could truly turn around for someone if they just keep moving forward. My brother-in-law Vern was working in Loss Prevention at Fred Meyer and called me one day in '97 and said he had an open position at his store in LP and said I should apply for it. I am pretty sure I laughed when he said that. I was a convicted felon and he knew that. I thought it was a joke. He was serious though. He said his boss, Kevin Ruoff, was a pretty open minded person and Vern could get me an interview with him. My first time meeting with Kevin was in 1997. I was a year in recovery and had made a lot of positive changes. Vern's words still ring true to this day and I use them a lot........when I was resistant he asked me "what do you have to lose?" He said you have a job, it's not like you need this job, and what's the worse thing that can happen? Huh, he was right. The worse that could happen is Kevin could say no. I had a job, I had a life either way so it was a no brainer. I set up the interview with Kevin.
Kevin and I met, he listened to my story, and applauded me for doing what I was doing in my life. He said, with just a year in recovery he wasn't willing to go to bat for me with his bosses to get me a job. He said if I was still doing what I was doing at 2 years in recovery, come back and talk to him. I remember feeling crushed. I had put myself out there and I got a no. But, it was very short lived. Why? Because what Vern had said was right. I had a job and I had my life that was going well. Just because I got a no for that one job opportunity didn't mean it was the end of the world.
Now, here is the really amazing part of this story. About a year later in ‘98, as time and fate would have it, Vern called me again. He had a position open again. Wholly shit I thought! Now, I had continued all I was doing in my life to be on the right track. I was still in school and still cooking at KC's Caboose in Sumner and I was still in recovery. I was just about to celebrate two years in recovery. Another interview was set up for me and Kevin to meet again. My story hadn't changed. I still had the same past, but, I was continuing my life in recovery. Kevin agreed to go all the way to the top to get me hired. This was before Fred Meyer was bought by Kroger and this hiring, of me a person with my past, and, into Loss Prevention, was approved by the VP of Fred Meyer.
That would shift my career path for the next eight years. I turned that part time position into a full time position and went into management for loss prevention at Fred Meyer. That career is what allowed me to come to Ellensburg in 2001 to be closer to my son when his mom moved to Yakima in 2000. Kevin turned into a massive asset for me and he was my mentor for years. I had massive success in my time at Fred Meyer and will always be grateful to Vern and Kevin for giving me chance to show that a person in recovery can be an amazing asset to any company.
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