1990 and beyond....

I am fortunate in so many ways in my life today. As you are reading this I am 100% with you that the life I was leading was not a good one. You are going to read about even more chaos as I enter my mid 20's.  It get's ugly. I know I am fortunate to have turned things around and am able to lead the life I have today. I get to use my past in powerful ways today that I never would have imagined in my life not so long ago. 

Today I am a respected member of the community I live in.  Today I am a husband that my wife can know is going to be faithful to our commitment to each other in all ways.  Today I am a father, and now grandfather, to three Douglas's who know me to be a good father and grandfather to them and is always there in positive and healthy ways.  Today I have a host of friends who can count on me to do as I say I am going to do.  Today I am a professor on a college campus where I get to teach and mentor people working toward their educational goals.  Today I get to help others find their path to recovery from a substance use disorder through the work I do in the community I live in.  Today, I am no longer a statistic destined for a life of sorrow. 

This month, on the 25th of March, I celebrate 14yrs as a person in recovery from a substance use disorder.  Prior to that time period I also enjoyed over a decade in recovery.  Even prior to that decade I had small snippets of recovery where I started peeling the onion of my life in a multitude of ways that have brought me right to where I am as I type this blog. I know I am fortunate for all I have in my life today and I am 100% grateful.  I frequently say that everything I have in my life today, all of it, is because of my life in recovery from, not only a substance use disorder, but also recovery from mental health disorders.

We left off the story in 1990 with Cyndi and I living in Tacoma, our son had been born, and I was working at Loomis.  My hope that having a child would get us on the right track didn't turn out as planned.  My level of drinking continued, same level of pot smoking, and cheating on Cyndi, well, that was continuing as well. I just ramped it up a notch and brought our marriage to an end. 

I had a friend from Loomis who would come over to our house on weekends with his wife and we would play cards. This would, of course, include me and Chris drinking, no surprise here; a lot on most nights.  Chris and I both drank at the same level.  His wife Laura drank, and, Cyndi drank some, but, not at the level Chris and I would. It started as with the flirtations between Laura and I and, as was normal for me, it turned into a full blown affair. I was the guy at this time in my life who would say I was your friend, but wouldn't hesitate to also stab you right in the back.  This was that on a whole new level. Chris was a good man and me doing this was ugly.  As these things go, we got caught. On one of our get togethers, for whatever reason, Laura had forgotten to give me my ID back and Chris found it when she went home.  

Chris was a big dude. Not someone you would want to mess with.  I will never forget that day, at Loomis, when he confronted me in the shop.  Keep in mind we were all armed. It took a few co-workers to keep him from beating the shit out of me. I am lucky, very lucky, he didn't get a chance. I am tearful right now writing this.  You may not agree with this, but, he was my friend, and yes, I fucked that up, and every time I think about it, it causes me pain. To make it even worse he quit Loomis pretty fast after that, left Laura, and moved back home to Tennessee. Cyndi, well, that was enough for her too. 

Me, thinking me and Laura were in love now, I moved in with her. Yeah, I know, stupid move.  How did I think that whole situation was gonna work out? It didn't work out well at all and was one of the first times I started feeling some real feelings of loss, guilt, rejection, and remorse for the behavior I had been participating in to that point in my life.  I managed all of these feelings with.....yup, you guessed it, drugs and alcohol.  Drinking, pot smoking, and I added in old school crank....basically a lot of speed.   This didn't go well with a bag full of emotions that I had no idea how to cope with. 

Now, in an earlier writing you might remember me saying Karma bites me in the ass with my unfaithfulness with Cyndi. Yup, she, and Chris slept together. Oh, I will never forget when I heard about this.  I remember the feeling of "wholly shit, how do I even respond to this?".  To that point, Cyndi, who always took me back, and, was always faithful herself; that was all done.  And, we were broke up, so really, didn't even cheat on me.  I remember being angry about it, but, I had nothing to stand on, Nothing. That's when I knew her bullshit level me was done.  

Oh, and Laura and I, being madly in love and living together now, please.....Karma hit me there also.  Couple of things happened there. She stayed in contact with Chris without me knowing, even had a whole move planned to go back to him for a while.  Also, I had a friend, Ron, who was coming over to where Laura and I's place to drink, snort speed, and stay up all night playing dice and cards, well, guess what......yup, she cheated on me with him.  I am a true believer in karma.  It was coming back to me in full force.  I was still at Loomis during this time and was armed pretty much all time.  I remember sitting outside, what was now Laura and Ron's place, you know the place where just a few months prior, her and I were madly in love, yeah that place, with my gun trying to get Ron to come outside. Fortunately, I am sitting here writing this and not sitting in prison or dead myself, he never came out. 

No shocker here, after that all came down I was sleeping on a couch at my sisters and I will never forget calling Cyndi and trying to get her to come back to me.  I was in full on begging mode at this point.......to no avail.  She had had enough.  She was done. Looking back now, no shit.  Smart move by her given all that had happened to that point. 

I am either 24 at this point or close to it, newly single, and not because of a break up that in anyway was healthy or functional. I still had my job at Loomis, and was now living at my sisters.  Just two doors down on 61st from the house where we lived when I was a kid and Jonny was alive.  My sister had bought the house our family friends owned and still has to this day.  There are a ton of memories on 61st street for our entire family. 

I didn't really have much possession wise for a 24yr old. I had bounced from my marriage, to the cheating relationship, to now sleeping on a couch at my sisters.  My sister was a mother of six and her house was always a busy place from sunrise to sundown.  I remember this was also a time where depression and massive anxiety started showing itself for me. My coping mechanisms were work, alcohol, and drugs. I do say, to this day, that in some ways drugs and alcohol kept me alive at points along the way.  I had a sense, at this point in the game, and rightly so, that I was fucking up my life.  

The story will improve some, but, than gets much worse for a while. 

The picture below is when I was 25 years old.  At then tail end of my run with three month run with crack cocaine, and, at the end of another relationship that I fucked up. One, where I felt a massive sense of hope in the beginning, but, due to my behaviors in relationships, wasn't able to keep that hope alive.  For me, self-sabotage was a real thing.  I showed it in this one more than ever.