In 2006 I return to use of drugs and alcohol

I go on a walk every morning.  Without fail, 365 days a year, the walk happens. In the last week that walk changed a bit after we had our dog Cheba, a 13.5 year old German Shepherd, put down.  Her hips were done, she is no longer in pain, and we miss her a lot. Even with that, we still do the walk.  This morning, Daisy and I did our walk and went and got morning coffee and her morning treat. It isn't to many of these morning walks that I don't hear the birds waking up, or, see the sun coming up on the horizon. There aren't to many of these morning walks where I feel a sense of being grateful for all I have in my life today. I live a full and meaningful life that I only dreamed of not so long ago.  As I write today you will learn about me re-booting my life at 40 years old. I am fortunate in so many ways given all I have walked through in life, and, for that realization, I am forever grateful.

We left off yesterday with me having left Fred Meyer in '05 for a job opportunity, and that opportunity blowing up in my face. I was now without a job, my job at Fred Meyer had been filled, and, I didn't really want to go back anyway.  My entrepreneurial spirit came alive like never before. I was kinda backed into a corner work wise, the stars seemed to align just right, and I was able to find a way to make money by working for myself.

I had already been doing computer work on the side having self taught myself how to work on computers since first getting into recovery in the mid 90's.  I was building my own computers and would do the same for others.  I had a knack for having the strong skill set of being able to not only, fix peoples computers, but, also teach them how to use them. I decided to turn this into work full time.  I started Douglas Consulting, made flyers, and got my name out there. 

Around this same time, due to an issue with a package of mine not being delivered by a company called DHL I ended up on the phone with a guy who said they were having troubles finding dependable contract drivers for our county.  Well, I found an opportunity, and jumped on it. I started as a contract driver delivering packages all over Kittitas County. DHL is a large company and has a massive presence in Europe.  They are known in the business world in the US and at the time they were trying to get a foot hold on the home delivery side of the business.  The timing for this, for my scenario, could not have been better. It was Monday-Friday and I was usually done by noon or 1pm.  

Those two income sources helped a lot and it really drove me to think about more opportunities to work for myself.  Another one came up in the form of an ad for a sub shop for sale in downtown Eburg.  The Hungry Hippo Sub Shoppe that used to be on Pine Street in Ellensburg was up for sale. Not a huge investment upfront, and, I was in a position where I felt it was the right time to give it a shot. I scraped up enough to make a down payment and gave it a go. 

To describe Stephanie and I during this time I would say we were doing fair. Probably fair at best. We had decided to get married by this point. Looking back I think I thought getting married would help us be truly committed to working on our relationship, and now marriage, for the long haul.  Stephanie had been trying to develop a relationship with her Mother and I remember, during this time period, when her Mom and her Mom's husband Steve were living in Ellensburg. I was supportive of Stephanie trying to make a go of the relationship with her Mom, but, Steve was a different story.  He was a massive swindler in many ways.  I will never forget the day he pretty much said Stephanie had a part in being abused as a child.  There is a whole story to the Mom and Steve saga that I won't go into.  Let's say it caused a lot of issues.  None of it really Stephanie's fault either.   Yet, it did cause more stress in our marriage having them living right where we did and them being unwilling to leave. Yeah, it was ugly.

Stephanie and I had both continued to navigate working on ourselves as individuals and as a couple.  After we moved to Ellensburg I remember both of us going to counselors ourselves and going to a couples counselor.  There was stuff there and we were trying our best to figure it all out. When I think of my time with Stephanie, for myself, I remember trying way to hard to try to be someone I thought she wanted me to be, rather than just taking care of myself and just being me.  I was massively worried on a continual basis if I was being what I thought she wanted me to be.  

I should add in here my relationship with myself during this time and my view on always feeling like I was trying to "catch up" with where I believed I should be in life. It didn't effect me to much in my time at Fred Meyer, but for sure did once I left Freddie's and I was out on my own. I always had this feeling that I was about a decade behind in life.  I was always pressuring myself internally to catch up to some fictitious place I thought I should be. My relationship with money was not healthy in this way.  With this mindset, I didn't think any job or career was enough. It was hard for me to just be, no matter what I was doing to earn money. I always carried this nagging feeling that I should be doing more.

The Hungry Hippo Sub Shoppe, while I have some great memories of, was a very poor investment.  Having the knowledge and mindset I have sitting here writing this right now, I never would have bought it. This was in 2005-6.  Downtown Ellensburg was not what it is today, and Pine Street was the deadest street in the downtown.  The Hungry Hippo, for where it was located, was not good. Also, I bought it on a shoe-string budget. The entire time I had it the financial stress was to much. I closed the doors almost a year to the day after I bought it. You will read that I returned to use and may think that is why I had to close it, and certainly that likely propelled it to happen, but I promise you, even prior to that I was falling deeper and deeper into a financial crisis months before my return to use.

Stephanie and I's marriage was worsening. With the new stresses of running the business ventures my ability to manage my moods got worse.  We already had problems and my ability to cope with them was worse than before. We had, just like in my previous committed relationships, started to break up and get back together on multiple occasions.  Arguments would turn into break ups and than we would stay together.......rinse, later, repeat.  It was sometime late summer of 06 that I moved out.  She wanted a divorce.  

Around this same time period I had decided to give it a go at the Fair and borrowed more money to set up a booth to sell food. That was a complete bust. We got put in a horrible spot that wasn't even by the other main food area, and people who did come by just weren't interested in sub sandwiches at a fair.  Because a couple of critical moments happened at the fair grounds during this same time I will bring them in now. 

Stephanie and I had split and I was sleeping in the back of the Hungry Hippo.  My anxiety and depression where through the roof.  I was barely functioning on a daily basis.  I remember many friends coming to the little duplex I would rent right in this time period banging on my windows to try to get me out of bed in the middle of the day. I will never forget one day, standing in the fair grounds at the stand and knowing that Stephanie was at the rodeo with another man......I was crushed completely when I learned this.  This is not a statement to say Stephanie is a bad person and how could she do that, I am just describing what was happening and that moment in time for me.  I knew than, we were over, and I couldn't hardly breath. If it weren't for a friend, Dwayne Smithgall, during this time, who would come and talk to me at my stand, I am not sure I would be here.  We barely knew each other but made a connection during this time.  He is a friend now and I can't tell you how much his words helped keep me alive and breathing in those moments in time.   

Also during this same time period I had my dog Kodi. I had Kodi since he was a pup and he went pretty much everywhere with me. He was seven years old and had developed a limp.  I had taken him in to have it looked at and get xrays and such.  It was at the fairgrounds when Mike Fuller came to see me in person to give me the news......Kodi had developed a cancerous nerve tumor.  There was nothing that could be done, it had grown rapidly and I would have to put my dog down.  Kodi was suffering a lot in his last days and putting him down was a very hard day. 

I remember this overwhelming feeling during this time.........I felt like my life was ending right before my very eyes. I was losing things that I valued the most and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it. I was going to support group meetings, seeing a counselor almost daily, and was talking to friends regularly during all of it. Even with all of that I just had this overwhelming sense that my life as I knew it was crumbling right before my very eyes.

I had been on anti-depressants in my life in the past and was trying different ones now to try help with the depression and anxiety.  I remember well my doctor who is retired now, Roberta Bumm, and amazing PA-C, who was trying to help me in the best way she could.  August 21st I have it journaled: "ultra sensitive skin, headache, ultra depressed...."  I had a severe negative reaction to new anti-depressants I was trying. I would end up going to the hospital in Yakima for three days to get it all under control. I can't express enough how grateful I am for friends during this time who were trying there best to help me.  Theo and Melissa were two of them who let me stay in their home on days when I couldn't stay alone in my apt.  Barbara and Katrina would come and back on my windows to try to get me out of bed and force me to go no hikes.  Many others who did so much to help me during this time.

I put Kodi down in early September of 2006.  I journaled about this on Sept 28th writing "..Kodi is no longer in pain".  October 6th I have another journal entry where I write "I made the decision to end my marriage to Stephanie. It is time to move on with my life."   My next journal entry is October 13th and it goes "Today I choose recovery." 

After being in recovery for well over 10 years to that point in '06 I made the decision to return to drinking. I have another journal entry one week later, on October 13th, 2006.  "I am choosing in my life today to do things in moderation and see how it goes.  Partying a lot right now but see that dying down".

It wouldn't die down for several months and I would find my way back to a life in recovery on March 25, 2007.  The next several months would include a lot more alcohol and a return to heavy drug use.  What was already unraveling prior to the return to use, would completely unravel. 

To close this one up is the beauty of me being able to sit here and write this story. I am now just over 14 years without a drink or a drug. I have walked through, in that 14 year period, many painful life experiences, and, many amazing life experiences. As I was writing about that very painful period in '06 I think about the shift in mindset I have experienced in how I live my life today. I no longer feel a need to catch up. My relationship with money has been completely transformed.  My view on how to maintain my life in recovery shifted in ways that have worked well for me in all areas of my life. I know I am fortunate in so many ways and am grateful for the whole of my life.

The picture below is a post from March 25, 2007 
(remember when MySpace was a thing?)