Back to the story.....I return to alcohol and meet meth

Writing for me is therapeutic. Prior to finding a life in recovery I never did this sort of thing.  Journaling, writing about my life, telling stories in a way that might help someone else in their own life; it just wasn't what I did.  When I started going to counseling journaling was something that was suggested and I latched on to it quickly. I now have over 20 years of writings in many forms. From my very first days in recovery, through two treatments, many successes, break-ups and divorces, happy times and really hard times.  It's all there.  In recent days, as you may know if you are following this journey, with the passing of my dog Cheba.  Right now, as I typed those words the tears are coming.....and I am telling you, that's the power of writing.....it helps in so many ways.  I miss my dog so much right now, so much.  Because I write, take pictures and videos, and, share it all with the world, I get massive benefits from it all. I should also say, while I DO share a lot, I don't share it all.  There are so many things and times that I keep within myself or just with a few people.  That is also important to do in life.  Yet, I do value sharing my walk with others and writing like this, in a very public way, is something I value a lot.

In the last blog post about my life path I was out of treatment, had a strong desire to not smoke crack cocaine, and a very strong desire to not go down that road again, but, still had some reservations about the idea of not drinking or smoking pot ever again.  Adding to this, my relationship with Stephanie was not going well, I was in financial dire straits, and, I was living with my mom and her boyfriend in Puyallup.  I was fresh out of treatment and had, for the first time ever, started peeling back the layers of my life in a way I had never done before. It was, for me, a very uncertain time in my life. I wanted to dive into the needed work, but, also was uncertain and scared of what this would mean for me if I did.

Mom was with a man named Ed who she had a near 10 year relationship.  Ed was a good guy, but, he was another massive alcoholic. Mom was working at The Meridian Bar & Grill in downtown and I just don't remember Ed working much. For me, this was the first time I ever witnessed drinking to the level of someone urinating in bed. Also, this was a first for me to see Mom with someone where she allowed her living space to be in that condition.  This was also a period where mom was drinking a lot. With this, I was staying with her and Ed, fresh out of treatment, and remember wanting to give sobriety a go. 

I am pretty sure this is when I started working at Brewery City Pizza. Stephanie had been working there and they were opening a new location right by my moms place where I was living.  I was making, if memory serves me right, and this is 1993-94, $4.25 an hour.  I liked the job for the most part.  I started out as a delivery driver but quickly moved into a shift manager position.  It was a busy spot and the pizza was amazing.  Dough made daily, hand tossed, and all fresh ingredients.  I think the original location still resides in Olympia to this day. 

I will never forget my first day out of treatment, going to my mom's, and Ed being there.  The very first thing he did, was offer me pot.  OMG!!  I was so tempted, but, with a belly full of treatment, I said no, I was going to be sober now. He was fine with that and didn't push it on me. I am not sure how long I stayed at my moms, I am guessing a few months or so.  My step-brother/cousin Kenny had a house in Northeast Tacoma and I moved in with him.  My memories of this period are mixed.  He lived across the street from his Aunt and I remember having good talks with her about life and the process I was beginning with my walk in recovery.  I ended up losing my job at Brewery City after being there for six months or so. I was told employees didn't like having to work with me. Looking back now I can see why. 

After a few months out of treatment my relationship with Stephanie was really rough, my financial situation was really bad, and depression and anxiety were a battle for me every day. Prior to recovery I had drugs and alcohol to manage what I didn't know I was managing in that regard; it's what I did without even realizing it.  New in recovery now, well, they were both rearing their heads all the time.  I didn't have any knowledge of how to treat either and didn't have health insurance even if I had wanted to try. I had been going to twelve step meetings a little bit, but, like you might hear from people, for me at the time, it just didn't click.  I for sure wasn't into the god/spirituality aspect.  I was highly resistant to religion of any sort, and, while I know that AA is not religious, their was a whole lot of praying and the word god thrown around....I just wasn't there with any of it. 

I haven't written much about my experience with religion.  I will say that Lyn Gilmore was highly religious and a deacon in his church...yeah, so there was that.  For our family when we were kids, not much really.  Mom would go to church when she had her family set up just so.  My brother was highly involved as a youth paster of other roles within churches.  I would go from time to time, but, never consistently.  Religion for me was mostly negative due to what was happening in my family as a kid and young adult years.....not into it.  

So we are at about fall of '94, I am maintaining sobriety, had started working for Kenny in his janitorial business cleaning Keg Restaurants on graveyard shifts, Stephanie and I barely together by this time, I am seeing my son every other weekend, and, mentally I am not in good shape at all.  I remember this period well. I was desperately trying to keep Stephanie and I together, but, it was to much and to late. My time with my son wasn't fun. I had no money, less than no money, I was really barely making it in this area; as usual. Kenny was letting me live there in exchange for working for him and I am sure I begging/borrowing to get by from month to month.  I remember carrying with me this stack of bills that I could never pay.....it was like a huge weight always looming over me. 

Right in this time period I moved from Kenny's to Gerry Emmerson's in Tacoma.  My recollection is Kenny wanted his space back in his house and having me there 24/7 wasn't working for him.  With that I also stopped working for him.  Gerry had a very small studio apartment off of 6th & Cushman in Tacoma. In the same little complex, Grandma Turco had an apt, and, so did Uncle/Dad Tom.  I needed a place to live and Gerry said I could sleep on the couch.  The was one room that had the kitchen, a small bathroom, and one other large room that had his bed, the tv, and couch where I slept. Gerry had a pretty set routine at this time in his life. He had stopped working all together and was on social security.  He slept, ate, and went to bingo. That was what he did routinely and without fail.  Oh, and smoke cigarettes, a lot.  I still smoked at this time so the smoking wasn't a huge issue, but he smoked a lot inside........my memories of this transition is where things for me mentally were really hard.  I felt like I kept sliding backwards in my life, even being in recovery.  I wasn't addressing any of my mental health issues, and, I was living with the man who, even without the knowledge of him sexually abusing my sisters yet, wasn't real high on my list.  But, we got along well enough given what both of our lives held to that point.  I truly felt though, my life was shit.  I was 26ish years old and had nothing, less than nothing.

I got a job selling appliances for a local company and was pretty good at it for a bit. My boss was your typical old school sales type and when my sales weren't up to par he chewed my ass for not upselling and getting people to buy shit they didn't need.  At the time we had these expensive water filtration systems that he must had made a bundle on that he pushed us hard to sell.  Grandma Turco was watching Tyler for me on the weekends I had to work and had him and I remember Tyler loving being with her. 

I just read journal entries from this period and during this time I am consumed with not being with Stephanie anymore.  It is nearly all I write about. Massive anxiety, massive depression, massive self defeating thoughts about a relationship that was well past being over. Reading them gives me glimpses of this time period being very hard emotionally. 

To close this one up I will introduce you to when I return to use of drugs and alcohol.  Writing this, and to not confuse you, I am going back in time a bit. I just put it together for when/where it happened.  I remember the day well when I drank a beer after being away from everything for the first time in my life. I was still living with Kenny in Federal Way and me and Stephanie are still together and still engaged.  We were having issues navigating our relationship at this point, but, it was rocky. The Sonics were in the playoffs and I wanted to go see them with my friend Julio who was going to a bar in Federal Way to watch the game. I've known Julio since we were kids.  I don't remember for sure if I intended to drink when I went, but knowing what I know now, having a drink by this point was probably long over due.  I remember Stephanie coming to the bar and throwing the engagement ring at me and us being over from that point on.  

From that day on I remember maybe considering not drinking and smoking pot and returning to recovery, but they were mostly just thoughts.  Once I drank, well, I smoked pot too. I did have a resistance to smoking crack so I don't remember that coming into play.  So, we come back to where I was at the time.  Living in Tacoma, selling appliances, trying to manage my life with now going through a break up that was consuming my brain most all of the time. I started hanging out with Julio and other friends and going to bars again.

This was right when the meth epidemic of the mid 90's started to take hold of Pierce County.  A not so fun fact during this time period is Pierce County was THE epicenter for meth in the world.  Not a great moniker to have, but, that's what it was.  If you remember from my previous blogs I had done old school crank before......speed really.  So, when I did a line of meth for the first time I wasn't ready for what would follow me around for the next almost two years. From that first line of this new crank/meth, to me coming to in jail cell with a criminal record, and having done and said things I never in my life would have thought I would do, my life would be changed forever.  Below is a snapshot of a journal entry nearing the end of my time with meth and all that came with it.