The transformation begins

Yesterday's writing was a bit tough to complete.  While I have shared my story many times, and, those in my world who know it, express how me sharing my story is helpful to them and others, I don't think it will ever be easy to write about that portion of my life. It's embarrassing and I believe I will always have a bit of shame attached to it. For me, I think that is alright in some respect.  With that said, I do NOT believe shaming or guilting someone as a tool to get them into recovery is helpful, it just isn't.  Yet, for me to be able to look back on my past and feel a twinge of guilt about my past behaviors for sure helps me to continue my path forward. It is my plan, at some point to write a book, to share it all. My life holds a lot that I haven't publicly written about, from my childhood up through my adult years during my dark drug days. At some point I want to share it all, but, that time isn't here yet. Thus, you get the pieces I have shared in this blog.

So, the tide begins to shift. We were in December/January of '95/96. My sister had bailed me out of jail and gave me a roof over my ahead, and in her quiet way, gave me marching orders to do what was needed to get things going in a different direction. I did that, and more. 

I was already on probation for my first felony, and facing more court time and possibly more felonies. I had that looming over my head and it helped propel me forward. I did want to stop using drugs and alcohol for good. I did want to find some semblance of normalcy in my life. I did want to find healing.  I did, for sure, want to be a father to my son. All of those desires for change required a lot of me.  It should be noted, that while I did have all of these desires for change, and really they were always there, I also had so much to cope with as far as my depression and massive anxiety I was coping with on a daily basis.  So much....I don't say that to elicit sympathy, I only say it because it was true for me, and, I know it is the case for others.  Mental health issues go hand in hand with substance use disorders. You have to treat both to truly help a person.

One of the first things I did is find a way to get back into treatment. I went back into a DSHS office and asked for help; again.  During this period there was an amazing program called ADATSA.  What this program did was give someone six months of support. This support would pay for treatment, medical care, housing, and more.  It also provided for a small stipend each month. Yes, it was welfare, and I can tell you, it saved my life.  Truly, without that help, I would not have been able to get as strong a footing in recovery as I did in those early days of my life in recovery. I wish ADATSA was still in place today.  It truly helped so many people get a strong footing in recovery. I also walked into my Dept of Corrections probation officer, Marco Lizrazo, and said I was going to do what was needed to get on the right track.  Prior to this time I was not checking in with him and I know he was beyond frustrated. He was one who truly gave a shit and wanted good for me.  He had many talks with me along the way trying to help me get in the right direction.  I also had another guy who was part of a new program that monitored people during the meth epidemic who had come through superior court systems in Pierce County.  I had to pee in a cup once a week and check in with him.  I wish I could remember his name.....he was another one who really cared. I gave him the same message, I was going to get this right. I started getting busy.  

I found my way back to Olalla Guest Lodge in January of 1996 for another round of treatment. The same place I had been about a year and half or so prior, I found myself there again. I had all the knowledge I had gained before, and, different this time, a very strong desire to really listen this time. I still have my little note book I used to take notes in every class session. I had fever for taking in all I could this time around. I should add here, this isn't out of the norm for many who go to treatment. Like myself, many others need more than one round of treatment.  I give lectures at treatment centers now and say, it doesn't matter to me if you have been once, or, ten times, all episodes of treatment are helpful.  All of them. This was the same for me. I remember also, for this time around, being willing to start pulling back some layers of my life that I hadn't in my prior time there.  This was hard to do and required a level of willingness that was scary, but, I knew, at some level, this was needed if I really wanted to change my life moving forward. 

I left Olalla after another successful belly full of treatment knowledge, and,  I went back to my sister's place.  I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of anxiety I had during this period of time.  I was scared to death. About what you might ask....everything. It was completely overwhelming. I was sober, 100%, and with that, came all of the feelings that were kept at bay while in active addiction.  With being sober came all the thoughts of the massive pile of problems I was facing.  The upcoming court dates that could easily have me facing prison. The thousands of dollars I owed to many courts in the area.  The now, over 13,000 I owed in back child support to my son.  The bleak outlook on employment opportunities I was facing.  I would start processing all of this in my head and emotions and it was to much. 

I remember opening up about this to my sister and brother in law one day at their house..........I decided to call my ADATSA case manager and see about more treatment. I wasn't ready to face the world full on, it was just to much. I got lucky.....so lucky.  I remember calling her and her saying it would be quite the wait to get more treatment.  Keep in mind the meth epidemic was raging during this time.  Bed's for treatment were snapped up as soon as they were empty.  The same day I called her and she said to hang tight it would probably be some time before she could get me more treatment, she called me back.  She said a bed just opened up at a place called Prosperity House in Sumner. It was a treatment facility that helped people slowly reintegrate back into the world.  You stayed there but were allowed to go to support groups and to get a job or go to school. You also received ongoing counseling while there.  I remember the call well.  I remember crying more with my sister and Vern.  I was scared to go, and, I was scared to not go.  With their support I made the decision to go.  I stayed at Prosperity House for 60 days. That 60 days at Prosperity House, along with my going to another amazing program I tell you about in the next paragraph, saved my life and truly propelled me forward in my recovery. 

While at Olalla a man named Terry Weber came out and spoke about a program for people in early recovery This program, called the V.O.T.E. Program (vocational opportunity training & education) was a seven week program held on the Pierce College campus and helped people to learn, or, re-learn, skills to get jobs or find education/training for careers.  Terry was a person in recovery himself, and, formerly incarcerated.  He had found a path to recovery and was now working to help others do the same through his work with this program.  The program helped people learn skills to improve self-esteem and was ran by people in recovery themselves, or, by people who had a passion for helping people in recovery.  I remember hearing about it, and, part of me with a strong interest, but, also thinking I would never be good enough to be on a college campus, or, just completing it period. I had enough interest that I had gave my info to be contacted for the next time they were taking in new participants. 

I went to the orientation for the VOTE program on March 25th, of 1996.  And just as I typed that I realized by sobriety anniversary is that date!  I hadn't looked in that journal until just now to find the date I started VOTE and low and behold, it was on March 25th.  At any rate, that was the day I began at VOTE.  It changed my life. Truly, it helped me start my path forward in massive ways.  It was a seven week program where myself and a group of my peers who were also all in early recovery, went to a classroom Monday-Friday and learned a whole plethora of skills to help us reintegrate into a positive world for ourselves moving forward.  One of the beneficial skills was learning from a man name Bob Moawad. He was a motivational speaker who had created a set of trainings for people in recovery to help improve self-esteem.  Powerful stuff that I still use in my life today.

There were one of two requirements to graduate from VOTE after the seven weeks. Either you had to have a job, or be enrolled in a job training program or enrolled in school....I decided at that time to enroll in school and I enrolled in college courses at Pierce College to begin work to become a counselor.  I also got a job as a laborer for a construction company.  Thus, I completed both requirements to graduate. The mere idea, that a guy like me, with all the wreckage I had to that point, and who was a high school drop out with a GED, could go to college, wow....that was crazy. But, with the help of the VOTE program I learned that I was worth it and I could do it. 

After being at Prosperity house for 60 days I was ready to leave the treatment environment. I went back to my sisters and truly felt ready to get busy living. I was now a college student, I had a strong support system in place for my recovery, and, I was starting to feel ok with myself. I had set up ongoing counseling when leaving Prosperity to continue addressing my depression and anxiety and work I needed to do to feel ok with myself moving forward.  

I must close with a powerful story of a pivotal moment in my early days that gave me the message that the positive changes I was making were working.  While at Prosperity house my court date came to face the judge. Through working with my public defender, an awesome person named Mike McNerthney, I had made the decision to plead guilty to a reduced charge of one count of 2nd degree burglary. Everyone, my public defender, probation officer, even the prosecutor, believed that I would be heading to jail for a minimum of six months, up to a year in jail, when I went into to plead guilty on that fateful day of April 30th, 1996.

I was scared, but, willing to face the time. I knew what I had done was wrong and I needed to face the music. I remember my brother Bob was in the courtroom on that day. Kind of unheard of, my probation officer spoke on my behalf before the sentence was handed down.  I had faced this same judge not long before for my first felony conviction where he did let me go with just probation. Here I was again facing a more serious charge. I stood tall and waited for the sentence.  I did get sentenced for time, but, the judge traded all the days I had done in treatment for the time I would have served in jail and gave me two years probation.  I was shocked.....just shocked.  That was a pivotal day where I have it journaled that me making the changes I had made to that point were working.  I decided to continue moving forward.

The pictures below or of the flyer I was given for the VOTE program and my journal entry for the day I left Prosperity house.  Things were looking up for me at this point in the game of life.