I am not a victim, I have say over my life

If you have read any amount of my blog you know I have experienced trauma at the hands of adults who should cared for me rather than abuse me. I was raised in an environment no child should ever have to experience. My mom, doing the best she knew how given her life, was not able to give us the parenting and care I know she really wanted for us.   I have been the victim of some pretty serious shit. With that said, I start this with saying if you have been the victim of abuse in any way I am NOT saying that was your fault; it wasn't.  If you are the survivor of domestic violence, or the victim of a crime, that was also not your fault. You were a victim of any of those scenarios, as was I of my crazy situations. 

When I entered a life in recovery from a substance use disorder it was one of the first times in my life where I was faced with the reality that I had a say in how I moved forward with all of it. I could either, stay a victim and blame my mom and my abuser for all that had happened to that point in my life, because I did, or, I could take my life back, start healing, and move on with my life. I COULD take the trajectory of my life into my own hands from that point forward.

It was in counseling in where I faced all of this head on.  It was hard, very hard. Through this years long process I went back and forth with the reality that what had happened to me WAS terrible, BUT, I had a choice in how I moved forward. It was in counseling in 2006 that I learned about a skill I could use for anything like this in my life to help shift me to a forward thinking mindset. The term is "radical acceptance". 

What radical acceptance means is while I may not like my current situation, in fact, I may dislike it a lot, it is what it is in that space in time.  For me during this time period I was going through a divorce, my business was failing, and I was struggling with depression and anxiety. The counselor taught me that my scenario was what it was.  Good, bad, ugly, it was what was in front of me in that moment.  I DID have a say in how I dealt with it all.  I could either choose to stay in a victim mindset, blaming everything and everyone to that point in my life for all that was happening, or, I could choose to take control of my thinking and behaviors moving forward and change my reality to something I wanted it to be.

That, for me, was a pivotal moment in time. It clicked for me.  Ever since that time period when I get in places in life that are uncomfortable, challenging, and sometimes just down right shitty, I remember the term radical acceptance.  It helps me to remember that this time period and situation is temporary AND that I have a say in how I move forward.

When I lecture at treatment centers I talk about this in terms of a substance use disorder. When someone is in active addiction, as I was myself, there is no control and I am powerless.  Yet, the second I get help, and, learn skills to get too and stay in recovery, I am not powerless.....I DO have control and I have a ton of say in how my life is from that point forward.  I tell them to get the help needed in all areas of their lives to gain control of their lives and futures.

Another example of this mindset that I have used in my life is with finances. I used to be horrible with money and would always end up blaming outside forces for me being broke. What helped was learning budgeting and money management skills.  I learned about credit, ways to save money. and the importance of thinking about saving for retirement.  Since I took control of this area my stress level with finances is much lower and how I view money is completely different.

My last example is work. I used to think others were successful because they were given opportunities I didn't get.  I thought they were smarter than me.  I believed that because of how I was raised I could never be successful in the working world.  What I did to change that is get busy.  I stopped listening to my old tapes and made new ones.  I read books about how to be successful in a career, I educated myself in the areas I wanted to work in, I found people to mentor me.   I am a highly successful person in the areas I work in, that before, I would have NEVER thought could come true for me.   All of the success I have in the working world is a direct result of me being willing to do what is needed to get to where I want to go.  I can NOT have a victim mindset in this arena.

I choose, on a daily basis, to believe that I have the ability to do amazing things in my life and I want to tell you something.....YOU HAVE THE SAME ABILITY! A book I loved reading titled "Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell spoke to me in a big way. In the book he talks about how we, as a society, put people on pedestals.  We do it in sports and in the business world.  We think Russell Wilson has some special talent, or, we think Bill Gates is this big giant god that is beyond belief in what he does. Here is the reality. They are just like you and me.  The difference is in how they think and what they do.  They choose to not have a victim mindset and they choose to step into their fears.  Russell was a 3rd round draft pick that nobody thought would go anywhere.  Bill Gates started Microsoft in a garage.

The book talks about luck being something that we attribute to some mystical place where only the chosen ones get to see and enjoy.  When the reality is luck comes those who put themselves out there and are in the right place at the right time.  I used to think "I never get lucky in life".....all the while I wasn't doing a damn thing to be anywhere or in any place where luck could find me.

Get Busy!  That's my mantra in life.  I hope I never get to a point in life where I think...."I am done, no more to accomplish".  I want to always have something to look forward to and be involved in to make the world I live in a better place. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts