Worry stills clogs up my brain

I remember as a child the worry I carried with me on a regular basis. And this worry wasn't what you might think it was about. Having lived a constant life of change and uncertainty was something us kids just did. We knew we wouldn't stay in one place long; that was normal.  We knew mom wouldn't stay with our latest dad of the week; that was normal. We knew there would be scary situations coming our way at any given moment; that was normal. I am sure at some level I worried about those things. Yet, the worry I remember is trying to get my mom's attention. That's what I wanted the most; mom's attention. 

I didn't get a lot of it given all that she was going through herself. And, being I was the youngest of four mom had three other kids to worry. Mom was almost always working a job, or two, or three to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Mom was facing her own shit on a daily basis and she was just surviving. What that meant for me is I turned to others for attention. My brother will always be my hero in many ways. He, being just a kid himself, took me under his wing and kept me as safe as he could given what he was doing himself being a teenager with little to no adult supervision. I golfed yesterday and instantly let him know this. I sent him a picture and message saying I was on the course because I knew that would make him smile. For him sports kept him sane on most days as a kid. I spent many a day at one of his games when we were kids. 

I carry worry as a near constant in my life to this very day. I worry about the littlest details at times that even I stop and say to myself, knock it off. I worry about the big life things that can consume my brain in weird ways. I know this constant worry stems from that childhood so long ago that gave me good reason to be worried. I know the worry that cripples me in moments in time stems from my early adult years in active addiction where my life was a place where I better be worried for fear of jail or death. I even remember before the crazy years in active addiction in my mid 20's worry being a normal place with the constant financial struggles of a kid who knew nothing about finances who was now an adult trying to survive in the world. I could go on and on with how worry has been a stable force in my life throughout.

My quote of the day today was about worry.  The quote "Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose" by Echart Tolle is a good one. It makes me want to scream really, but, it is the truth about worry. One tool I have in my brain to combat worry I love comes from another quote that says something in the order of "90% of my worry's don't come true". That one helps me a lot to do life in spite of constant worry.

I've come to accept my brain in most ways for what it is. I have re-wired the parts of my brain that used to have worry at levels that would cause to me to not do anything in face of unknown worries. I used to lay in bed in constant worry. Now, I wake up worrying, but I get up and do my morning routine and most of the worry will still be there, but that saying "90% of my worry's don't come true" starts ringing in my head and I get moving. 

I do life in the face of worry with the help of the people around me who I know worry but still live life. I work, I do the responsible things, and I, in many cases, force myself to do fun things even when I worry that I shouldn't be having fun. Yeah, I worry about having fun. I have to force myself to do things that are relaxing and fun because I have learned that those things are just as important as being consistent in doing the responsible things. I have accomplished amazing things in my personal and professional lives in spite of the worry that is in my head. I have done this through, in many cases, through action forward in each morning that worry tries to tell me otherwise. I have learned skills to combat the worry that help to show me again and again, that nearly all of the crazy stories I make up in my head, don't come true if I am being a good human and doing the next indicated thing in life. 

I fucking hate the worry that swirls around in my head. If there were one emotion I could delete it would be worry.