Laying in bed for days and the morning walk

Each day I start with a short morning walk. It’s a ritual I started years ago when Cheba was still alive and she needed lots of exercise. Anyone who has had a German Shepherd understands their need for lots of physical activity and she was no exception. Thus, the morning walk began well over a decade ago. Rain, snow or shine, It’s how I begin the day. 

It wasn’t like this in my past. Having a healthy morning routine was the furthest thing from my mind. I used to lay in bed until the last possible second if I had to be somewhere. Only getting up when I absolutely had to do so. It just so happens there is a duplex just blocks from our home where I lived and spent days on end not getting out of bed. I would keep the blinds closed and used black out curtains to keep out any light. If anyone came to check on me I would ignore them at all costs. It literally took the police being asked to check on me for me to finally open the door on some days. This happened a few times in 2006 when I was struggling with depression, worry and massive anxiety. 

During the fall of 2006 I would make the decision to return to the use of drugs and alcohol to numb the emotional pain of what was rolling around in my head on a constant basis. I was walking through a divorce, my business was struggling financially, and I had to make the decision to put my dog Kodi down at the age of 7. At the time it felt like my entire world was crashing down around me and the only way to get out of the way I was feeling was to drink and use drugs. To that point I had been in recovery for over a decade. 

It’s interesting to look back and think about this time period in a lot of ways. I say that because since returning to recovery March 25, 2007 I have been through many similar situations in life and my desire to return to drugs and alcohol have been minimal to none. I think the key shift was changing how I am in intimate relationships. My marriage at the time was very unhealthy; really it was toxic. A repeated cycle of me being completely dependent on another person for my emotional well-being; This was the overriding factor that caused much of my emotional pain.  I had to learn to be ok with myself as an individual regardless of who I am with. This happened through seeing a therapist and learning skills to heal from past trauma, educating myself in key areas for how to be an independent person, and through a lot of support from friends along the way.

March is my recovery anniversary month for being a person on recovery from a substance use disorder.My life is one that has had many twists and turns along the way.  From my crazy and wild ride of a childhood, through my early adult years in the military, to the crack and meth years of the mid 90's that would lead me to jails, courtrooms, and much more that gave me memories that I wish upon no man. As you read above I would return to active addiction for about a six month period from the fall of 2006 to the spring of 2007. 

As I write this month I will close with what I believe has helped me to get through each of the periods of my life I write about. I say this and it is the truth.......had I not had access to a plethora of resources, both while in active addiction and mental health crises, there is no way I would be where I am at today in my life. 

What were the resources from this period of my life?

Friends who didn't give up on me
Law enforcement officers who talked me into seeking help 
Mental health counselors who taught me skills to cope with life
My willingness to learn new things (exercise, counseling, education)
Music.....I can't say enough about how important music has been for me
Journaling/writing privately and publicly