Set a daily goal, get high, goal disappears

I used to get up in the morning, thoughts swirling around in my head about what I remembered from the night before, or a bit scarier, having no memory of the night before. It was hit and miss depending on the amount of alcohol and drugs that were involved the previous day, or really, days. 

I would start waking and think to myself, I need to get up and look for a job. Today I need to make the decision to work toward something good for my life. Today I am going to go see my son. Today is going to be the day I get busy moving toward good for my life. The unfortunate reality was this rarely happened. 

What did happen is I would say to myself, and yes this was my best thinking at the time, I am just gonna get some weed (was always looking for more weed) and I will get going for the day. I would even think on some mornings (mornings were usually beginning at 11am or noon for me during this time) maybe i'll go get a deuce-deuce (22oz beer) and that will give me a pick me up for the day. You can imagine how this went.

I would get high or drink a beer, thinking that would give me some motivation to go look for a job, or go see my son, or whatever goal I wanted to achieve for myself for that day to better my life, and the daily goal would disappear. The second I took the hit of weed or drink a beer my mind would shift. I didn't have the ability to understand this would completely derail my good intentioned daily goal. Or, I would also argue, I did know this, but the thought of doing something different to turn my life around was too much to bear. 

Thus, I would end up sitting on that porch on a weekday morning watching the cars go by and would put down the people in them who were likely actually doing things to better themselves. I would think how dumb it was to do the "go to work, provide for your family, and better yourself" thing. I wasn't able to conceptualize what I know now. I could only sit in my negativity during this time period. 

This was all in the mid 90's when I had been on a crazy run with meth and had done a lot of terrible things. I had been involved in behaviors and situations I wouldn't wish upon anyone.  I had turned into a criminal after using meth. I was facing more court dates, more fines, and because I wasn't working my financial situation was getting worse with each passing day. It was all overwhelming to think about.

My emotional state was fragile even on a good day. Depression weighed heavy on a daily basis and my only way of coping was to sleep or get high or drunk. The anxiety and worry about upcoming court dates was frightening. My thoughts of who I was as a father during this time was debilitating.  

With all of this I honestly can't say with certainty how I was able to get out of this time period and get to the life I have today.  The weight I carried on a daily basis was massive.  I will simply close this one with what I remember being helpful to me during this time period:

- Friends who listened to me when I was able to be real about my emotional state
- Olalla Treatment Center
- My case manager for the Felony TASC program
- Many rides on Pierce Transit where I hoped for better days
- My Grandma Turco and Uncle Tom for always believing in me
- The Fellowship AA hall on 6th Avenue
- The friends I made at Olalla Treatment Center
- That little boy inside me who kept kicking and screaming to be heard