What we really only have control over is....now

I have a crazy history......so much there.    I was raised by a mostly single mother raising four of us in an era where she had zero support from our biological fathers.    We had to fend for ourselves in many cases because mom was forced to work two and three jobs to support us.   My past is riddled with so many traumatic events it's mind boggling to thing about.    Move after move, seeing mom abused, being abused myself, knowing my siblings were abused.....ugly.   There is a lot there.....a lot!

My adult life, while now it is amazing beyond comprehension, has had it's own times of tragedy.   Being a man who has struggled with self esteem issues, depression and anxiety, and addiction issues, life had taken it's toll on my throughout my 20's.  It wasn't until my 30's that I started work to to rise above the mess and move forward.   I don't like to dismiss that there was good in my 20's, because there was, but in my mid and late 20's it got real ugly for a while.   I had a run of about two years where I was off the radar with meth and a life I never want to go back to again.

Why do I mention that dark history in this writing?   Because, while it is an important part of my overall story, it is not where I reside anymore.    I have learned that the past is a place to maybe visit for reflection if needed, or, to see how far I have come in my life to this point, but, it should be best left where it is, in the past.     I choose to live my life now.....today.    

I love anything related to meditation or meditative thinking.   This type of thinking keeps me in the now.   In the now is the only place I can really have an effect on changing.   Really, the only time I can really work on, is right now, in this moment.   I have been in the mindset of worrying about my past, or, worrying about the future.  Neither of those places I can do anything about.

Yes, I needed to do work, through counseling and help of others, to heal from my past transgressions.   I needed to do the work to heal from the sexual abuse.   I needed to learn skills to not return to the ugly days of meth or crack use.   I did need to do the work.  But, once that work was done, it needed to be let go.    Once I healed from the sexual abuse I moved on and let go of the anger and sadness.    Once I learned new skills on how to deal with emotions I let go of my guilt surrounding drug use and subsequent behavior.   That is all in the past now and I leave it there.

And, yes, I plan for the future.  I have short and long term goals to keep me forward thinking.   I work toward the goals I set for myself.  Having goals keeps me from looking back.  Having goals keeps me from wanting to go into my past and my former way of thinking.    It is vital to have a plan for the future.   I am a planner now.....I never used to plan for the future.  Now I do and I understand it's importance.

Yet, with both areas, my past and my future, I live in the now.   Now is what really matters most. When I have the thought of reaching out to someone I care about, I do it now.  I don't wait to call my mom and tell her I love her, I do it now.   When I think about something great I might want to do in the future....I start planning for it now, I don't wait until tomorrow or next week.

Is any of this a perfect process?  No....of course not.   Yet, it is something that I have continued to improve with and have found a lot of peace.  I have found more confidence in my mind when I am not in constant remembrance of my negative past.  I make better decision when I am not constantly worrying about the future full of unknowns.  It is a process that has yielded amazing benefits in my life and I would encourage anyone to do the same.

I am reminded of another quote I have posted on my monitor so i see it regularly that helps me to stay in the now:









Comments

Popular Posts