11 years and continuing to grow, learn, and succeed

Today I celebrate 11yrs as a person in recovery from a substance use disorder.    To give some history to those who don't know much about me I will describe some of my past so you can get an idea of where I am coming from with my views on addiction and recovery in my own life, and for me in my work as a recovery advocate, for those I hope to see find their own path to recovery.

My first decision to drink, smoke pot, and smoke cigarettes was about 12yrs old.  I had lost a step father I was close to due to him dying from cancer at an early age.........he had been the first positive male role model in my life to that point, and, after his death, I threw in the towel so to speak.   I was done trying and turned to drinking and drugs to numb the pain of the loss of Johnny and other issues from my childhood that I couldn't deal with on an emotional level. 

I remained fairly functional in most respects from that time until I was about 24 years old.  Functional meaning I drank, a lot, I smoked pot, a lot, and I dabbled with acid here and there.  This was from about 1980 through about 1993........I went in the military at 17,  served my time, got the honorable discharge, and then returned home.   My drinking ramped up a lot in the military.....don't smoke pot they said, but hey, drink all you want.     When I returned home I worked, was married by this time to Tyler's mom Cyndi, and, for the most part did this thing called life.    Mind you, a lot of drinking, a lot pot smoking, and a little bit of other drugs here and there.....mostly manageable....mostly.   It wasn't all pretty by any stretch.

By the time I met crack cocaine I had left the marriage. Turns out cheating, drinking, and just being an all around asshole didn't go well in a marriage.  I was living in Tacoma, working at Loomis Armored, the best job ever for a kid with no education and just a GED!   I had a neighbor I used to drink and smoke pot with and one day when I went to his house he had a different looking pipe.......I asked what it was and he told me.   Now, to this point I was that guy.   I was the guy who said I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.  The crack epidemic was everywhere.......everywhere.    But me, no way!    Never gonna happen.  Well, it did.   I tried it that day, and, for months afterward.   By the end I sold everything I owned, lost my job, shocked my then fiance with the news that I had kept hidden, and for the first time ever, went to treatment. 

At 24, for the first time in my life I started delving in my emotions.......years of stored emotional baggage from my childhood to that very day.    A crazy young childhood, sexual abuse as a young teen, and now, sitting in a counselors office with him telling me I am an alcoholic and drug addict.   I bought into the drug addict side......but alcoholic?   Not so much.    I left treatment and stayed in recovery for a very short time, about five months max.   

I started drinking again, started smoking pot again, and....started crack and then another big one for the mid-nineties, methamphetamines.   Pierce county was the meth capital of the world in this time period.  It was everywhere.    I entered into a world and into behaviors that I would not wish on anyone.    I went on a about a two year run with meth.      Off the deep end.   By the time I hit the treatment center doors again I had a criminal record and my physical and emotional state were wrecked completely.   

My second time in treatment I listened....I still have the note pad I took notes on for every lecture we had.     I left that treatment center in '96 ready to address all that was needed so I wouldn't end up prison.    Because that was exactly where I was headed if I didn't stop.    This started a life changing process that has brought me to this writing on this day.   You might, at this point, be thinking, it doesn't add up.....if he just has eleven years today, what happened?     Here you go......

I enjoyed amazing improvement in all areas of my life from 1996 to 2006.  I had moved to Ellensburg in 2001 to be closer to my son Tyler, who, had moved to Yakima the year prior with his mom due to her job.    I was with Fred Meyer, had been since 1998, and was able to move to Ellensburg in '01 when they opened the store.     All was pretty well in my world.    Nothing horrible.   I had a relationship I was in that was mostly ok.   We both had made improvements in our individual lives from crazy past, and, were doing our best to keep our relationship in tact and moving forward.   

So, I had a career going with Fred Meyer, a decent relationship, in long term recovery, working what many would describe as a decent recovery program.....for me, at the time this was mostly doing the twelve step program.  It was good.  Not all bad.   So what went wrong?    Why would I, in many peoples eyes, and even mine, throw away what was by that time ten years in recovery?

I left Fred Meyer 2005, not for a bad reason at all........I had went to school in early recovery to be a drug and alcohol counselor, but due to getting a job and career path while in school between 98-00 at Freddie's, I never pursued the counseling arena.     So, in 2004 an opportunity came up for me to use that education and work in the prevention field in Ellensburg.   I was ready for a change from Freddie's and took the leap.    Well, it blew up in my face.    But, this isn't the reason I drank.......it actually forced me to work going for myself, and, to this day, it was a good thing in most respects.

Now, to get closer to why I returned to use in 2006 after being in recovery for over ten years........

I was able to start my own business.   I worked on computers, had a contract delivering packages in Kittitas County, and, I bought a little sub sandwich place in downtown Eburg.   The Hungry Hippo Sub Shoppe!   This is where we get closer to my return to use.

I bought it on a shoe string budget........didn't have reserve capital to get me through rough times or grow it.   Also, at this time, downtown Eburg was in it's infancy in getting new businesses.     But, we gave it a go.    For me and Stephanie, the woman I was with, and had been with for several years, it put a lot strain on an already rocky relationship.   Also, I am a dog guy, and had Kodi.   He was just 7 at this time, but, out of no where developed an issue in one of his front legs.   

So, let's put all this together.     The Hungry Hippo, while a great little place and one I still have fond memories of, was a huge stress with finances.  Stephanie had had enough and she said she wanted out of our relationship.   We had done this before, breaking up and getting back together, but something in how she said it this time, I knew it was over.     This was a huge hit to my emotional state.    And, to top all this off, I got the news in the summer of '06 that I was going to have to put Kodi down.    That was the kicker.

At this point, I was seeing a counselor, going to meetings, and talking to friends about everything going on.....even with all that, it was to much.   I made the decision to drink.   With a drink came pot, with pot came cocaine, and from there, the races were on.     I went on run from October of 2006 until March 25th, 2007.    I can tell you, I knew almost immediately, that my return to use wasn't going to go well.   I had so much emotional pain with everything going on in my life at that time, that my drinking and drugging was only going to numb the pain for so long. 

I am fortunate to have had all of those years of recovery directly prior to that fateful decision to drink and drug again.  I know that none of those years were wasted or just magically gone because I drank and drugged again.  It was because of the recovery I had, that my time that I returned to use was short.    I knew just weeks after returning to use that I would have to get back into recovery or the end result wasn't going to be good. I was able to return to a life in recovery on March 25th, 2007.

When I returned to recovery it was a time for me to reflect on my years in recovery prior and assess what had worked well and what I needed to change.  I made a decision to change my outlook and views on religion, physical health, and, one area that has proved highly beneficial, in educating myself in the arenas of prevention, treatment, and recovery from substance use disorders. 

My life as a person in recovery today is whole.    I strongly believe in ensuring I am living a balanced life in key areas.   Family, self-care, career, exercise, fun, and others.......ensuring that I am not leaving key areas out.      An area I am highly passionate educating others about substance use disorders and paths to recovery.   There is no one way to get to, and, stay in recovery.   I value any way a person finds that helps them to change their lives and live a life they choose for themselves in recovery. 

I will close with noting that I COULD NOT be where I am in my life today without the support of so many.  Family, friends, colleagues, and the people I meet along the way who I am able to learn from.   From my mother, who is someone I love and admire today, to my son, who is such an amazing person himself, to my over the top amazing wife, who is my rock and truly gets me, family is critical to my success in recovery.    For my friends, Sarah, who I have traveled through hell and back and we still remain united, Ivy, who is someone I consider family in many ways, to Steven who knows every little aspect about my being and still loves me, to so many others, I wouldn't be where I am without friends.     In my professional life, Lori who is my mentor for all things work related, Duane, who thrust me in my career path to where I am right now, to Kevin who gave me a chance at Fred Meyer many years ago, it is with the support and guidance of these and many others that I get to have an amazing career today. 

My life today is good, very good indeed.    Heres to this 11yrs and the next 11 more!   Let's do this!!!

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