A week of "I remember when"

On this Friday I remember:

As a child:

Really, I don't remember a lot.....I have memories for sure, but I don't remember entire grades of elementary school. I remember small snippets here and there of places we lived and certain events. With that, I have entire periods of my childhood with little to no memories.

Myself and each of my siblings being shipped off to a family friends or relative to live for a while. I remember going to Judy and Al's, I know my brother would go live with one of our grandparents, and I am pretty sure the same happened for Tina and Cheri. I have no idea the why of this for me, but, I remember living with Judy and Al for a short time when I was young.

Our relatives would know we moved when letters/cards would get returned due to being undeliverable. That is exactly how Mom's parents would know we had moved again. (this was well before the internet and cell phones)

Having life long friends, from elementary through high school, that's comical for my siblings and I; It was impossible. We were lucky to keep a friend for six months due to the moves, let alone a whole year, or, multiple years.

As an adult:

I have always wanted to know the why of all of my childhood chaos. Through counseling, education, and having talks with family, I have learned a lot and it has helped me to heal and move on.

Each of my siblings and I have our own view and memories of what took place along the way. The stories are interesting and I cherish the ones we have in a weird way. Some stories are crazy to think about, but I hold on to them with all I have in my heart and soul.

I don't think the thought I always carry with me...."what haven't I been told that I don't remember?" will ever go away. It's probably best I don't know everything, but, it will hit me here and there....."what happened that I don't remember or I didn't see?"

Being the youngest of four I know my siblings have seen and remember more than I and it saddens me to know this. I love each of them a lot and value the relationships we have with each other having walked through our chaotic childhood in a period of time that created massive damage and trauma for each of us. Each of us looks at the world, having had the childhood we did, with a different lens than most.

I am very much a defender of my siblings and our family as a whole. Mom, I learned as an adult, was doing the best she knew how with what she had. Mom was living in time period where woman were treated as second class citizens. Mom's relationship with her own father was strained regularly. The men who my siblings and I had as biological fathers abused our mother regularly in all ways. The trauma my mom suffered from through her own struggles with mental health issues and the damage inflicted on her by men made her life a living hell through much of her 20's-50's.

When Mom was alive I chose to not write in vivid detail how I viewed being raised by her. Why? Because she was doing the best she could with what she had. She never had a fighting chance at having what I know she always wanted; A healthy home to raise her kids.

On this Thursday morning I remember:

Being a child:

Mom sending us to the store with a note to get her cigarettes. Seeing the notes came in handy later when I started smoking at a young age.

Being hungry and making ketchup and mustard sandwiches. As kids it was common to see nothing in the fridge. This was especially true if mom was single and it was the end of the month. Mom received no child support and made little even though she worked a lot. Raising four of us in this time period was hard for her financially.

Being woke up at 2-3 in the morning with our next dad of the week arriving with mom. We always looked for the food they would frequently bring with them from closing time at the restaurant/bar

Learning at a very young age it was time to move when there was an eviction notice posted on our door. We made many moves late at night and would wake in yet a another new place.

Mom always keeping wherever we lived in a clean and today state. As if we were a normal happy family. We would wake in a whole new place but everything was in its place like we had been there for years.

As an adult

Drinking and smoking pot was a very normal and everyday occurrence. Just like mom, I always worked, but it was to meet very basic needs and the rest was for alcohol and pot (other drugs here and there mixed in). Heavy drugs hit in my mid-20’s and really were the catalyst for getting help.

Moving frequently was also normal as a young adult. I didn’t have any real money management skills. Get a check, maybe pay the bills, more likely pay minimal bills and drink and smoke the rest away and stress about it for the next two weeks. Running from or ignoring financial responsibilities was very normal.

Until my mid to late 20’s and even into my 30’s while learning to change with treatment/counseling/education I mirrored much of what mom did in relationships. I strongly desired a family but did everything to sabotage any sense of normalcy. Same thing here, running from or ignoring relationship problems was very normal.

Self-worth was non existent through nearly all of my 20’s and into my 30’s. Much like mom did, I struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety until my late twenties. I carried with me the weight of feeling worthless for years. The unhealthy behaviors to cope really, kept me alive through much of it.

As I have been writing these each day this week I have thought of ACES each time. If you are interested look them up. And when you learn about them do all you can to prevent them for children.

On this Wednesday I remember:

As a child:

The moves, oh the moves. Just thinking about the two year period we lived in Ocean Shores from 74-75'ish I can count four places we lived. In the Tacoma area (we always came back to Tacoma)......seriously, to many to count. We lived in Phoenix & Casa Grande for about two years (76-78'ish) when mom was married to Johnny Revell....just in that two year period I can remember four different places we lived.

With the moves came the changes in schools. Several school changes for all of us throughout all of our childhoods. I don't know how many elementary schools we went too, I just don't. I did go to the same Junior High for all three years in Tacoma (Stewart Junior High), yet, we moved multiple times while I was there.

Seeing mom have a nervous breakdown and the ambulance coming to help her. I have a vague memory of this when we were in Ocean Shores. I know it wasn't the only time something like this happened. Mom suffered from massive depression and anxiety....the only thing that she did to cope was work.

Mom worked a lot. Two and three jobs. She was rarely home in the afternoon's and usually gone until 2-3am the next morning. Sometimes we would know when she came home if she brought our next dad of the week with her. Our biological fathers never gave mom a dime in support. This was the late 60's-mid 80's. Different time period. Thus, mom worked; a lot.

Bob, my oldest brother, was our babysitter most of the time. He honestly did the best he could. He would make sure we had dinner and then we usually all did our own thing. Mind you, we were all kids. Mom was at work, I don't remember us ever having a paid babysitter. Bob would make sure we ate dinner and than he was off doing his thing. We had a lot of time alone without any adults around.

Seeing mom get hit by one of our biological dads. I was young, I heard her crying and there was screaming, I peeked downstairs to see what was happening, I went back to my room. This was a normal thing for mom. That image has never left my memory. I know my siblings witnessed this much more than I. I am the youngest of four.

I brought up Lyndsey Gilmore, but, there were others. A man name Jerry Lewis who went to the same church I would go to from time to time because my brother went there...Jerry would find ways for he and I to be alone and he would touch me....it was weird, odd, and I felt uncomfortable about it. He said it was ok because just he and I knew about it. He was friends with my brother so I never wanted to upset my brother by telling him about it. He also would let me drive his car and I was underage. He knew I loved cars and would always pull me in with this one. No adult was in my life that would ever question any of this shit. There just wasn't.

As an adult (well, kind of an adult)

Early adult years I struggled massively with commitment to most anything. I didn't see the need to stay committed in an intimate relationship. Even friendships for that matter. I had this strong desire to be in a relationship and have friends, but would recoil at commitment. It was always a battle.

All of us were hard workers. We all worked in the restaurant industry; Almost second nature really. As kids it was what we knew because it's where mom always worked. She could always find work in this industry and she was good at it. Each of us worked in this same industry for periods of time. I was a cook for a while and could always fall back on that job if needed. We always knew where to find mom when she wasn't home. Either working at a restaurant/bar, or, partying at a restaurant/bar. They went hand-in-hand.

I drank, smoked pot and smoked cigarettes for years. I was the guy who said you I would never not get high. I would struggle with "quitting" drinking to many times to count in my early twenties. My son's mother bore the brunt of my drinking behavior the most. She would say frequently, drink your beer, but just don't drink Jack Daniels. Her father, who was like a dad to me, was an alcoholic. He and I used to spend many a day posted up on a barstool at one of his regular places.

Going to Germany with the Army was really quite the experience. I certainly have great memories of my time, both, in the Army and going overseas. I was young, very young. I enlisted, purely by accident, when I was 17 years old. Mom happily signed for me to go. I think she likely hoped it would help me find some direction. I had dropped out of school and was just working and partying. Germany was eighteen months of playing soldier (84-86), and lot's of partying. I remember seeing guys travel and explore Europe and thinking that would be great to do. I never did any of it. I lived from paycheck to paycheck only to be in the hole every time. Nearly all of my money went to alcohol, hash, and girls. That's just the reality of it. It was really a whirlwind in many ways.

This period of my early adult years is from 16-20 years old. I really just took what I learned from my childhood and it went right into my early adult years.

On this Tuesday morning I remember:

Being a child:

- Having my oldest brother, who was young himself, be forced into a parenting role when mom would go out or be at work. This is how I learned about drinking and drug use at a very young age. My first drink was at about 8 years old.

- Being exposed to highly unhealthy relationship habits through watching mom bring men in and out of our lives regularly. We were asked many times by mom "call them dad, it will make them feel good", only to have them be gone in a short amount of time.

- Giving up on the "dad" thing when Johnny Revell, one of the few who actually cared about us, died and mom remarried our Uncle soon after. That was the point where I was done with male role models in my life.

- Walking alone down the street one day, a car stopping, and a man named Lyndsey Gilmore striking up a conversation with me that would begin the sexual abuse and years long confusion in my head about men, sex, intimacy, and trust.

- Remembering when I first really started drinking at about 12. The feeling of relief alcohol gave me in so many ways. Smoking cigarettes and pot started about that same time. It was truly a relief for what was happening in my brain.

Being an adult before finding a life in recovery:

- Having massive issues in intimate relationships. Never staying long and infidelity was the norm in all my relationships.

- Drinking so much as a young soldier in Germany that it became the norm for me to be in front of my First Sergeants desk on a Monday for my behavior when drinking. The message was almost always the same..."Douglas, you need to control your drinking". I was trying so hard to control my drinking.

- Nearly being medically discharged from the military for my drinking, but, not once being offered any real help. I did have to go to classes for smoking pot, but never anything helpful for the drinking that was completely out of control. Pot bad, drinking acceptable.

- Just like mom, going through relationships like a firestorm. Some success, but, the second it looked or felt healthy, I made sure to turn into what I knew best.

- After the chaos, with some functionality in my life with using mostly just pot and alcohol, meeting crack cocaine at about 24 years old. First time using, I thought it was the best ever......three months later I had lost my job, relationship, and most everything I owned.

First treatment/recovery as an adult

- For the first time in my life I started to learn about substance use disorders. I fully accepted that I needed to quit crack cocaine. They also said put down the pot and alcohol...that was a lot for me to hear.

- Some discussion started happening outside of just in my head about my childhood trauma. For the first time I shared with others what it was like growing up (Not a peep about the sexual abuse yet, that was to much).

- I remember feeling a sense of belonging with others in treatment who had went through similar life experiences.

- The anxiety and worry came on full force when the drugs and alcohol weren't there to relieve it. Fear about most everything became very real.

- Treatment was 21 days and I left feeling positive. I needed much more, but, don't remember doing anything else after that treatment outside of going to some meetings.

There would be more drug and alcohol use and more pain, another treatment episode, and literally, years of counseling so I could really start peeling the onion of my life and start healing.

On this Monday morning I remember when:

As a child

- Being hungry at the end of the month

- Wearing my siblings hand-me-downs because we couldn’t afford new clothes

- The countless moves that were rarely planned and many times on a moments notice and in the middle of the night

- The emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of adults who said they cared about me and it was normal

- Witnessing my mothers abuse at the hands of the many “dads of the week” that came in and out of our lives

As an adult

- Struggling massively in my adult years with intimacy

- Having zero knowledge on how to have stability and structure in my life, for many of my adult years, even some days now, just surviving

- Until I was 29 having zero idea why I never really wanted to live and would use drugs and alcohol to maintain some semblance of normalcy

Now in my life

- Fortunate to have had access to treatment for substance use and mental health disorders and ongoing access to the many resources I have needed along the way

- Grateful for access to help and healing for the sexual abuse, this one area has been huge for me as a man

- The knowing I am one of the lucky ones to not have died due to an overdose or a suicide attempts

- Thankful to have a home where I don’t worry about any sudden moves or having to go hungry at the end of each month

On this Monday morning I am rich in so

many ways…..So many.