I looked in on you today

I looked in on you today mom.   Today was the first day you weren't there.   Each day since you came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving, I have woken for the day, and, the first thing I have done is look in on you through the camera in your living room.   I looked in on you today and you weren't there.

Today is the first day while on our morning walk that I talked to you and you aren't here.   It is surreal to think that I won't be able call you anymore.    Starting all our conversations with you answering, me saying "Mom!", and you replying "son?".    I looked in on you today and you weren't there, I will talk to you for the rest of my days regardless.

Today is the first day I shared with Katrina a memory of you.   How I won't have you and Katrina to keep me in line.  You and her have always found a way to bust through my sometimes rough shell and find my heart.  You and Katrina are what I have always termed "two peas in a pod".   They say we find a bit of our mothers in our mates and I nailed that one for sure.   I know she is struggling today as am I.   I looked in on you today and you weren't there, yet your memories will last forever in mine and many others hearts.

Today is the first day I am in your home and you aren't here, only memories to bring you close.   Your little place, filled to the brim with all things mom.   Literally, every wall is covered with pictures of family.   I have noticed more than ever since you came home on Thanksgiving and began hospice care, your main wall, filled with pictures of family.   Not one family member is without a place in a frame.  It is what you loved the most.  Family.   At your core, is family.    I looked in on you today and you weren't there, but always you will be in our families minds and hearts.

Today is the first day Cheri, Bob, Tina, and I will not have our mother on this earth.   They say it will change you...when you lose a parent.  Our loss of each of our fathers, well,  I think I can speak for each of us when I say, there really wasn't much love lost there.   Mom was the victim of their abuse for all to long, and each of us suffered our own pain at the hands of each of them.   So, losing our fathers,, while somewhat difficult yes, in the end, not much love lost.   But mom, losing our mom will be different.   Mom was always here.   Mom always tried.  Mom always loved.  Mom always cared.   It will change me, and I am certain, my siblings.    I looked in on you today and you weren't there, and we will miss you.

Today is the first day your many friends will share memories of you.    The very first friends that come to mind who I know are struggling are Judy and Al.    Mom has known them and they have been part of our family for our entire lives.   In recent years mom created a strong bond with her friends in Ellensburg.  Mom and Dad Kell, Bev, Catherine, Doug, Jim, and all the others who she spent time with playing cards, in our home, at her home, and around town..........well, they are missing her today.    I looked in on you today and you weren't there, your friends love and miss you.