19 years in recovery today

 

I GET to live today 

If you look at my life and you think "wow, look at him go!" I want you to know a few things about how I got here.

I have a long history that spanned decades of living that was filled with chaos.  From a childhood in constant chaos that bled well into my adulthood.  The moves as a child, and there were many, to many to count really.  The abuse at the hands of the adults who were supposed to protect me, the mis-guided parenting from a mom who was in survival mode in her own life, and the learning from people who were living their own lives of chaos embedded in me early on that life wasn't supposed to be consistent or comfortable.  I walked into early adulthood with very few skills that would translate into any level of real success.

In that early adulthood that included time in the military, a variety of different work experiences, and first marriage that was filled with me putting into action those terrible skills I was taught in my childhood. I was a terrible husband in all ways. The one diamond in the rough in that ere was my son being born. His mother and I would split when he was six months old and looking back I am glad that happened. While I am not a proponent of divorce being a solution, for that baby boy at the time, it probably saved him from learning the same things I had as a boy with adults who had little to no skills to teach a child how to live in the world

I would fall into what I call my dark years when I started using heavy drugs in the mid 90's.  While the picture of my life wasn't pretty before this period of time, crack then meth would take a thick black coat of paint and put it right on top of what was there and take over. I would come out of about about a four year period looking back and wondering what the hell had happened. I would do things and behave in ways I never imagined. I now held the moniker "convicted felon" and was sitting in jail facing yet more charges.

My story, if you follow my writings, always includes the reality that I have not recovered in isolation. It would be my sister who would have my name called from Pierce County jail saying I was being bailed out. Why, to this very day,  I don't know why any reasonable person would put their house up to bail me out; yet, she did.  She was able to see in me what I could not see in myself

That would begin my journey to where I sit today typing this blog. I would get back into treatment for the second time and I would start trudging my road in recovery. I started peeling back the really painful parts of my life and truly start looking at my past in a way that would heal me so I could let that shit go for good. 

It has taken years to do the work....years. I have been to what I call "thousands of dollars worth of therapy". I have been to countless dental appointments, doctors visits, and even along the way I have encountered mental health breakdowns.  Even making the decision in 2006 to return to use for a period of time because the weight of what I was facing in that period of life was to heavy a burden to bear.  

It would be in this period of returning to active use that I knew I HAD to return to recovery if I stood any chance at all of getting back to a life worth living. Knowing I would have to peel that onion of my life even more it would take until March 25th of 2007 before I would say "ok, let's do this".

When I made that decision I made choices about my views on the world around me having lived over a decade in recovery and then that period of time back active use. I knew, for myself, I was going to rethink my walk in recovery. 

I restarted counseling, I re-engaged having clear conversations with doctors about treating my mental health disorders, and over a period of time I made decisions about how I would support my life in recovery. It would be through education that I learned there are a multitude of ways one can sustain a healthy life in recovery. I learned there is no "one way" to get to or stay in recovery. This was new to me, and really, refreshing to learn about. I started ensuring I wasn't personally relying on one avenue to support my life in recovery. I have created a way that works really well for me.

My morning and evening routines are amazing and ensure my physical and mental health stay grounded. I ensure I get consistent rest each and every day no matter the day of the week or the time of year or where I might be in the world.  I move my feet regularly by getting outside every day. I pay attention the amount of sugar and caffeine I put in my body. I have a strong circle of influence; key people I talk to regularly who know me and I know them. I do work in my community to better the lives of others. I strongly believe in karma and the mantra I am going to get back from the world what I put into it. 

This process has supported me well for 19 years now. I try to learn and adapt along the way as needed. I never want to be so rigid that I am not following a quote I believe to be true: "There is only one constant in life and that is change"; I must be understanding of this truth in life.

I get to live an amazing life today. One I never thought possible not so long ago.  I take each day and do my best to live it to the fullest.   

Love to all.