Major depressive, generalized anxiety, post traumatic stress, and bereavement disorders

The title of this blog are all disorders I have been diagnosed with in addition to having a substance use disorder. My very first psych eval was about six months into my walk as a person in recovery in 1996. I will never forget hearing the psychologist read it all off. In some ways it was highly confirming, and, in others massively scary. Part of me thought, it all makes sense now, and. another part of me thought, I am screwed. 

That is where my more formal walk with mental health issues began, and, for the first time in my life, I truly began a healing process that goes on to this very day.  From that day forward I began seeing a therapist to learn coping mechanisms to manage all of the diagnoses.  From that day forward I began learning about how being open to medication could help me move forward.  From that day forward began my journey educating myself on how to use a holistic approach to healing and managing my diagnosis.  That diagnosis, while over 20 years ago, still helps me to keep moving forward in my life now.   

Since that time I have been able to mostly heal and those diagnoses are in remission....for the most part.  

I still struggle with anxiety.  I manage it with skills I have learned along the way, but, I have days where the best I can do is just be still and not react to the anxiety that can be overwhelming.  I manage the anxiety with health coping mechanism through support of talking to friends/family, exercise, managing my sugar/caffeine, using nature to calm the storm in my head, and, for me, helping others along the way.

Fortunately for me, I haven't had an episode of major depression in a long time.  For a while now I haven't found myself staying in bed for days on end, keeping the world out and sitting in my thoughts of just wanting it all to end.  I have been fortunate to only have minor depressive episodes where I only lay in bed for half a day at most.  I am able to put into action specific skills and support to get myself up and moving.  I have been able to, even through COVID-19 and all that this time period has brought with it, get up every day and keep moving forward. I am truly grateful for having the access to support systems throughout the last 20 plus years to help me manage the depression. 

The bereavement diagnosis was directly related to the loss of my step father Johnny Revell as a young boy and in some ways the loss of my childhood.  I was able to grieve those losses through therapy and learning about the grief process.   My childhood was not one I would want for any child.  Simply put, it was crazy most days, disgusting others, and all the time, a time when we were just surviving.  I needed to grieve the loss of the childhood I never had. The loss of Johnny Revell was massive and I never grieved that loss. I just got angry and immediately turned to drugs and alcohol. Grieving the loss of this highly important and positive male role model at the age of 12 was critical for me to move forward. Learning about the grief process was huge for me. 

My siblings and I could tell you stories that would make your skin crawl. The thinks we witnessed included our mother getting beat, multiple strange men in our house, sexual abuse of everyone in the family, and massive poverty.  Add to all of that, like you need anymore, I was sexually abused for several years by a male role model. Continue this craziness with my dip into the drug world where the chaos only continued and included drive by shootings, multiple close calls with death, and you get, dare I say, an easy PTSD scenario. I believe the work I have done in this area has helped to have a significant positive effect in all the others. I have had to learn, with a lot of resistance along the way, that the world can be a safe place. I have learned the I can trust other humans. I have had to learn that humans, even the ones I can trust, will falter, and that is ok. I have learned about setting healthy boundaries with those in my world. For this area, learning the skills I have, gives me the ability to relax in my head.  The knee jerk reactions I always had to stressful situations, they don't control me anymore. I can take a breath, think it through, and make healthy decision. There are days for sure, but, most days now, I am good in this area.

May is mental health awareness month.  We MUST continue our work to help people in this area.  We MUST continue to lower the stigma surrounding mental health disorders. We MUST speak loudly about the need for support for those with mental health conditions. As we start coming out of COVID-19 we will need, vitally so, to be ready to help people.  

I speak publicly about my personal struggles and success to give others the willingness to do the same.  For men, I know many struggle in these areas and others. You can heal.  It is ok to ask for help. There is nothing about asking for help that makes you weak or less than. I am a stronger man today than I ever was before.  We can all work to help the people we love and care about find help and heal from the struggles of a mental health disorder.