It's 50 plus one day

Well, here I am, still standing.   Trust me when I say I never thought I would see 50 years old.  Never in a million years.   If you have followed any of my writings you know what I am talking about.   At 29 years old I was certain I would be spending the rest of my days behind bars.   At 40, I was so mentally strained that on a good day, I would only be happy to get out of bed for half a day.  

Now, I just past the 50 year mark of being alive.   The past decade has been nothing short of amazing in so many ways.   Certainly, it has been marked with struggles and adversity, as any life would be.  Yet, for me, this last decade has been my most productive.    Education wise I obtained and bachelors and masters degree.   Career wise I am now in a career that I chose.   A career that I never planned in my wildest dreams, and truly, five years in, there are days I can't believe what I get paid to do on a regular basis.   Emotionally, I am healthier than ever.   Having been through the trenches in every aspect, with depression and anxiety at horrendous levels in my life, to be sitting here, with a frame of mind to be able to say "I am good", and mean it, is monumental.   Physically, I am alright given all factors considered.  I take better care of myself today than I ever have.   

Life is interesting for sure.  If you would have asked me twenty years ago if I would be where I am today in life, I would not have believed you.   Even ten years for that matter.    Really, for me, I have had pretty normal dreams of what I want out of life.   A good job, career that I like, family, financial stability, it's all there.  Nothing to crazy really.    I think as we get older we adjust the sails.   I am fortunate to have a home, an amazing wife, a family that I love dearly, friends, and now, I don't lay awake at night wondering how to pay the basic bills.    None of this has been easy to achieve by any means. 

I have struggled.   No,  I have struggled a lot.   I know now, a lot of my struggles are purely fiction I have made up in my head.   To this day, I worry.  Sometimes to much.   Well, actually, most of the time to much.   The difference today is I am able to function without the worry weighting me down to the point of not being able to move.    I am able to use skills learned in counseling and through educating myself to be able to channel the worry into action. 

I have been able to learn coping mechanisms and techniques to manage depression.  I have been able to balance my diet, use exercise, talking out loud about whats in my head, and other things to be able to stay out of the ugly side of depression.  Depression had weighted my life down for to long.   In the last decade, choosing to get help, and sticking with it, has shown that I can persevere.   I can be happy.   Well, I can be content I should really say.  I chased "being happy" for way to long.  For those that understand depression, you will understand what I mean.   I am content a lot now.  I am happy sometimes.    I am good with it.  

Recovery from substance use disorders has been a massive catalyst for change.   I wrote this year, for an entire month, about my walk to where I am today in my life as a person in recovery.   For me, the biggest area I have been able to use to grow in recovery, has been educating myself.   Knowing the multitude of ways to get into, and maintain recovery, has been amazing.    Allowing myself to chart my own unique path in recovery has been freeing in many ways.

Life is good.   Life isn't easy, it isn't simple, and it takes work and effort.   The more I am willing, each day, to give it some effort, makes it better.    When I am able to achieve balance, it is something that I cherish.    That's probably the most important of all that I have written above.......balance.  I have learned that I need to balance it all.   Work, family, friends, recreation, exercise, all of it.  I choose to not get to heavy in one specific area.   I want to have a good balance as much as possible.  Sure, it will ebb and flow in areas as the need arises, but, I always try to remember to balance it all.

I am 50 yrs old and a day.   I am ready for the next 50!    Let's do this!!!!