Mornings to start.......

I have mornings, most of them, where I don't want to start the day.  I wake with a mind set of "today isn't my day".   When this happens I want to clear the calendar and take what I term "a day".   

I struggle constantly with this behavior.  Wondering why.....why I do this when I have achieved so much in my life.  From where I have been to where I am today.  I think about all the things I have in front of me that I have always dreamed of having, and now have, yet I want more to to "take a day".

I can see where it isn't helpful, useful, or productive in any way, yet I allow it to happen.  I think maybe I should try this or that to combat the behavior in an effort to make better use of my 24 hours.  I have taken meds, still do, done therapy, still do, try alternative medicine, still do, tried excercise, still do to an extent.   Even with all of these efforts the behavior remains a constant in my life.

I think that maybe I should go back to trying religion and than remember what happens when I do that.  I don't like organized religion.  I end up walking away with the frustration of what happens when organized religion and spirituality collide.

I pray, almost daily, a simple prayer that I have always liked that I gleaned from the twelve step programs.  The serenity prayer.   This does remain a constant.

I utilize gratefulness work to help me see the positive side of things.  I have been given many, many things to be thankful for in my life.  I have enjoyed great success in the areas of my life that I have set out to achieve, yet the desire in my mind to stay down is sometimes very very pervasive.

I will wake and do the routine.  Get up for minute, click into the depressive mind set, and go back down.   Do the things that keep me down.  Read the news, follow the latest tirade in society, and affirm my desire to stay down.  

I create an environment that allows this to continue at my free will. Distancing myself from anything that will combat my staying down until I am ready to come back alive.  

I want more than anything for this to stop.  

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